Wednesday, April 16, 2008


So my doctor did some tests and told me what he thinks my lightheadedness/dizziness might be. He thinks it's anxiety.

Now I have always been somewhat of a "worrier" and I do get anxious in social situations but I have never been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder or with having panic attacks. I was diagnosed with depression and OCD when I was little. I still battle with the OCD at times but I don't think I am depressed anymore.

My doctor recommended I start taking anti-anxiety meds or anti-depressants. Now I was on anti-depressants for years when I was little and I don't want to do that again. Plus, I have a psychology degree and have worked with a psychologist before. Let me tell you, there are MANY options besides medication.

Naturally I keep thinking, "what the heck is making me so anxious right now?" I have been through some much tougher times than right now. I have been umemployed with no money. Yeah that was really stressful, but I was never lightheaded. I have had semesters in college where I was working 30 hours a week, going to school full-time, applying to grad schools, preparing for the GRE, and maintaining perfect grades. Um no lightheadedness then either. So why, when everything is going well am I having anxiety issues? Hmmm still a little doubtful that anxiety is the issue here.

There is one thing I am somewhat anxious about. I have a dermatology appointment on Friday. I get these little bumps on my nose called fibrous papules. They are genetic and I have been getting them my whole life. Only last year did I have a dermatologist tell me what they were. At that time I had 13 of them. Treatment to get rid of them consists of actually burning them off. I mean they really burn them off. They use this little pen-like instrument that has a little flame and it BURNS them off. It hurts, but it is bearable (oh the things we do for beauty!).

I have a few new spots on my nose that have been bothering me so I made an appointment to get them looked at (and hopefully taken care of) on Friday. JJ keeps telling me how silly I am being because he cannot see anything on my nose. I know that no one else can see them. I see them and they bother me. I don't know why they upset me so much. They just do. Now if the derm can treat them, I will look pretty crappy for a little while. The spots take a while to heal (think about how long it took you to heal after burning yourself on something) and they are right in the middle of my face. Plus, they are really hard to cover up with makeup because they scab up too. I am taking Friday off so I will have 3 whole days to heal before I have to face the world. I am still pretty nervous about how I will look come Monday.

I just wish I could accept myself for the way I am. I don't know why it is so unbelievably difficult for me to love myself. It's such a struggle for me. I would rather suffer for a week or two looking bad enough that people will definately notice, instead of just accepting the tiny little bumps on my nose that NO ONE can see. Ahhh!!! What the hell is wrong with me???

1 comment:

I Want For What Never Was said...

You're a girl, and you will ALWAYS see things no one else does on yourself. I have a friend who SWEARS she has a hairy upper lip and gets waxed constantly. The thing is, she was in a car accident, a severe one, maybe two years ago? She was in a coma for like four weeks, and when she woke, I was in the room. It's the most sensational feeling. Anyway, I told her it had been four weeks, and her instant reaction was to put her hand to her face and say "Oh god, my moustache! Do you have wax?", and seriously, there was NOTHING THERE! I called her hairdresser, who sweetly dropped everything and picked up those no-heat wax strips and waxed her face IN THE HOSPITAL BEFORE WE COULD TAKE PICTURES. We are insane. I swear that people can see these tiny bumps I get under my arms sometimes when I shave, therefore, I don't wear strapless ANYTHING. That and my chunky arms. But whatever. It's totally a girl thing, and I'm sure you'll feel better afterward and that's all that matters!