I'm really glad I am answering this prompt today because I had a big wake up call this afternoon. I went to my general physician to follow up on an issue that was minor but needed to be looked at. While I was there, I mentioned this new weird eye twitch I have developed over the last week.
My doctor looked me and rolled over to sit right beside me. He then spent about 20 minutes going through what stress and anxiety does to someone's body. I, of course, started crying because I know I have a problem. I struggle with so many health issues and I am finally starting to accept that anxiety is what is causing them. I have nausea very often and I get dizzy a lot. I get headaches all the time and I am always tired.
The other day a thought popped into my head that scared me. I started thinking about people that have agoraphobia (that is when people are too scared to be in public so stay locked in their house) and I actually thought, "I could see myself like that one day." To say that frightened me was an understatement.
I also get completely terrified of travelling, especially by plane. The week leading up to leaving for a trip, I will be nauseous every single day. On the day that we leave, I will wake up so sick that I will be gagging and crying. It is unbearable and it has stopped me from ever wanting to travel. I have the opportunity to go to London in April and the person I used to be would be jumping out of my skin I would be so excited. But the person I am now? I am actually dreading the trip.
Over the next year, I am going to work on myself. I have got to find ways to reduce stress and anxiety or my health issues are going to get worse. I don't really want to take medication since we are trying to conceive so I need to figure something else out. Whether it takes therapy, exercise, yoga or something I haven't figured out yet, I have to make some major changes.
This post was really hard for me to write because to be honest, I am ashamed of my issues. I feel like it makes me weak and that everything is in my own head. If it's in my head, shouldn't I be able to stop it? Why do I feel so out of control?
December 14 – Appreciate What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it? (Author: Victoria Klein)
Moving on to happier topics, I am so grateful for so many things in my life! In the past year, one of the things I have come to appreciate the most is family. I lost my grandmother and my grandfather within one year and it scared me to realize how fast everything can change. Both Josh and my parents live very far from us so I have learned to appreciate every second I get to spend with them.
My husband has spent the past 5 years busting his butt to earn his Masters degree and he finally finished last month. Now that he is done, we get to spend much more time together and it is wonderful. I am happiest when I am hanging out with my family and I treasure every second with them.