BS of the Day

New Blog!

2011-01-20T16:12:00.001-06:00

I have moved my blog to https://shutterbugwife.wordpress.com/. I will no longer be using Blogger. I was unable to move all the comments left through instant debate so many posts are showing no comments. If you recently commented, I did get it!

Photo Contest!

2011-01-18T19:08:00.003-06:00

I recently stumbled upon this amazing blog called I Heart Faces and was thrilled to see they offered tutorials and contests! As you all know, I am doing everything I can to further my photography experience and I have been entering every contest I can think of. I was so excited to see that there newest contest was called Winter Wonderland. In this contest, we could enter our favorite photo (it has to have a face in it, hence the name of I Heart Faces) and is supposed to have a winter feel.

Well, of course my mind immediately went to our recent snow day. I took a ton of pictures of Josh and decided to enter my first I Heart Faces contest! Above is the picture I chose. Wish me luck and make sure all of you photographer readers enter the contest!

Snowed In!

2011-01-10T18:24:00.001-06:00

I spent today playing in the snow, drinking hot chocolate, watching movies, taking pictures and hanging out with my hottie of a husband. What a perfect day.

Picture Time!

2011-01-09T17:37:00.009-06:00

I thought I would take a break from deep, sometimes depressing posts to share some pictures! These pictures were taken in Illinois on a trip to this amazing little store called Pasquesi Home and Gardens. Pasquesi's has everything from home decorations to dog food and treats. The best part about it is you can bring your dogs into the store. We loaded the car up with Piper, Lexy and my mom's dog Roxy. I had a great time walking around and took a ton of pictures. Here are some of my favorites! They had a ton of beautiful birdhouses that I couldn't help snapping a few pictures of.

For my birthday, Josh had flowers delivered and they were so beautiful! I played around with the lighting a bit and managed to get some shots that I thought looked really cool.

Since we don't get much snow in Alabama, I was thrilled to play around in it on Christmas. I snapped a million pictures but haven't had the time to edit them all yet. Here are a couple of the ones I have. The last picture is my parents dog, Sunny. I am pretty sure he was posing for me.

This last picture was actually taken after we got back home from our trip. We gave Piper and Lexy bones to chew on but Piper was just too tired. She wanted to make sure her bone was safe though.

To see more or to see this in a larger size, check out my Flickr page!

Little Fingers and Toes

2011-01-05T14:58:00.001-06:00

My really good friend and coworker had her first baby yesterday evening. I wrote about her struggles in a previous post (She is Leslie in that post). Given all that she has been through, I was so relieved to hear she had a healthy baby yesterday. She is one of the most giving and kind people I know and she deserves a healthy baby. I cried so hard when I found out she finally delivered last night because I have never been happier for someone else than I am for her.

Today over lunch, another coworker and I went to visit her in the hospital. I was nervous to see her because I despise hospitals and because I just don’t have a lot of experience with newborns. When we go to the room, her little boy was not there because he was getting checked by the doctors. We sat and talked to my friend and her husband and she looked great, even though she said she was tired and sore.

A few minutes later, the baby was wheeled into the room and everything changed. I was in complete awe of this little tiny thing making strange noises and faces. His father picked him up for a while and then handed him to my coworker. I knew I would get a chance to hold him next and I was terrified. What if I dropped him? What if I held him wrong and he woke up and cried?

My coworker turned to me and asked me if I wanted to hold him. I nodded my head and concentrated on holding him correctly. I could feel myself shaking from the nerves. Once he was in my arms, the nerves were gone and I just stared. My nose filled with the new baby smell and I couldn’t stop staring at him. I have never seen anything so perfect. His little ears, fingers, fingernails, nose, eyelashes, everything was perfect!

The rest of this afternoon, I have struggled to think of anything other than that baby. I can still smell him on my clothes. I can still see his perfect little face in my mind. Yesterday, I would have told you I wanted a baby more than anything in the world. Today, I couldn’t tell you anything without tears falling. To say that I want a baby is a huge understatement.

Final Reverb Post

2010-12-31T15:40:00.003-06:00

December 30 – Gift Prompt: Gift. This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What’s the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?

My birthday was on Tuesday of this week and my husband surprised me with so many sweet gifts. He gave me a beautiful watch, roses and chocolate covered strawberries. Jewelry, chocolate and flowers? I am one lucky girl! For Christmas my mother got me an Epiphanie camera bag and I am in love. Receiving gifts is wonderful but they don't even come close to emotional gifts I have received this year.

My husband gives me courage and strength every single day. As someone with anxiety problems, having a husband that is constantly by my side even though he does not fully understand my anxiety problems, is priceless. He is constantly pushing me to be a better person and while this is challenging, it is the best thing for me.

My mother and father give me confidence because they are my biggest cheerleaders. Whether it is for work, hobbies, marriage, etc., my mom and dad are always cheering me on. My sister gives me joy. She is one of those people that can make you laugh no matter how down you are.

My blog and twitter friends show me how I am never alone. When I am at my lowest, there is aways someone there to help me stand back up. You all give me hope and I can't thank you enough.

December 31 – Core Story What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world? (Bonus: Consider your reflections from this month. Look through them to discover a thread you may not have noticed until today.)

At the core of me is hope. No matter what I face, it is impossible for me to give up hope, even if I try. I will one day be a mother. I will someday live my life free of anxiety. I will find a job I enjoy and will one day become a photographer.

In addition to hope, I never stop working on myself. I love to look inside my mind to figure out what needs improvement. I will never stop working to make myself happier and more complete.

Reverb has helped me realize areas in my life that could use improvement. It has also brought up a million things that I am incredibly thankful for. I have met some wonderful people thorough this process and I am so grateful for those friendships. This year has been challenging and wonderful at the same time. I can't wait to see what 2011 has in store for me!

Another Catch Up

2010-12-29T11:16:00.003-06:00

I have been struggling to keep up with the reverb prompts now that I am on vacation with my family. I keep meaning to sit down and blog but I would rather spend my time with my parents or sister. I haven't really been on the computer at all. Christmas was wonderful and yesterday was my birthday which was also amazing. I will have to fill you all in after we get back from our trip on Saturday.

I am so glad I participated in reverb this year but I have to admit that I am looking forward to blogging about other topics again!

December 26 – Soul Food: What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul?

I had some amazing food around all the holidays this year. For the 4th of July, we went to Oklahoma to spend a week with Josh's family. Josh's mom never stops cooking and her meals are always so good! She completely outdid herself over Thanksgiving as well.

For Christmas my mom has been a cooking fool! She made some of the best sweet potato casserole I have ever had. I have been eating it every day since Christmas and I'm still not tired of it. She also made me my favorite meal for my birthday yesterday which was chicken picatta. AH. MAZ. ING.

December 27 – Ordinary Joy: Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

Whenever I am behind my camera I am at complete peace. Even if I have no clue what I am doing, just holding that camera in my hands makes me happy. I could be taking a picture at a wedding or of a simple flower in my yard. Either way, I am joyful.

December 28 – Achieve: What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.

I would love to be a professional photographer someday. I don't think I will be able to achieve that next year, but I can take giant steps in that direction. There are a ton of things I could do to achieve this goal.

1. I need to learn more about editing. There are a few editing programs that I need to get a hold of and start practicing.

2. I need to learn more about my camera. It is stunning how many cool things my Canon can do and I don't even know everything!

3. Practice! I have to practice more. I want to start setting weekly goals on how many times I get out there and shoot. I am not going to improve without this step.

4. I want to learn more about the technical parts of photography. This is the part that intimidates me because whenever I try to learn, I get incredibly confused and frustrated. I want to keep trying, even it if takes me a long time. I think it's important to understand the technicalities behind the camera.

5. Equipment. There are a million things outside of the camera that can improve your photography skills. I don't know much about any of them.

6. Inspiration! There are so many blogs and books that can offer inspiration for those days where you just feel blah. I want to get my hands on these!

7. This year, I interviewed for a great internship opportunity. It would have been something that would have greatly improved my knowledge and skills and I was so disappointed that I didn't get it. I need to start looking around for other opportunities!

8. Start saving money. I have a long list of things I want to purchase to help with photography. Most of these are pretty expensive (um, I might have picked the most expensive hobby ever!) so I need to start saving money exclusively for photography equipment.

9. No more doubts. I am so hard on myself and I doubt my abilities all the time. I am definitely not an expert photographer but that is ok! I have lots of time to improve. I need to stop focusing only on the end goal, and just enjoy the ride!

10. Have fun! I adore photography and I never, ever want it to turn into a chore. I want to improve and I know that will take discipline but I don't want it to become something I dislike. I want to keep it fun!

December 29 – Defining Moment: Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.

I think if you read back on my past reverb posts you will see a long list of moments and events that affected me this year. Lexy getting sick, my grandmother dying, all the traveling, facing my anxiety problem, etc. have all affected me greatly. I think I will just leave it at that.

Sorry if these have gotten boring lately. I am all about reflecting on the past year but I think I have reached the limit on things to reflect about! There are only 2 more prompts left and then it will go back to my regular blogging.

The One Where I Catch Up

2010-12-25T16:56:00.004-06:00

Let’s meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?

I can't think of a name I like better than my own. My name fits me perfectly and I would never change it. My full first name is Rebecca and that is what I use in formal situations, such as a job interview. Most of my friends and family call me Becca. I have a few nicknames that have been assigned to me such as Reptar (long story), Becs and Booba. My sister was the one that came up with Booba and I really can't tell you where it came from. I can promise you that it has nothing to do with my boobs because they aren't really nickname worthy.

What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

I don't think there was one moment in particular that made me realize that everything was going to be all right but there were quite a few little ones. A lot of times when I am upset, my husband can explain things in a calm and rational way. When I am drowning in a sea of emotion, rationality can be a lifesaver. There are plenty of times when my husband's calm demeanor drives me crazy but it is for my own good. He balances me out and makes me realize that everything will be ok. I just need to remember it when I start to get caught in that next wave of emotion.

Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.

Yikes. Since this year was one where I really started getting involved in photography, I have a ton of pictures that were taken this year. I am usually behind the camera so the selection of pictures of me is pretty slim. I did manage to find one that was my favorite though.

To put it simply, it's a picture of me and my camera and I am extremely happy. This year I found a passion for photography and it brings me joy.

Note to Self

2010-12-22T10:31:00.001-06:00

Prompt: Travel. How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?

I think I have pretty much covered this topic. I traveled to Chicago and Oklahoma to visit family. We went to Arkansas for Thanksgiving (we stayed in a cabin with Josh’s family) and we are going to Chicago for Christmas. We also went to Asheville, NC for our one year anniversary. I have to say, that list isn’t so bad for someone with severe travel anxiety!

Next year is London!

Prompt: Future self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?)

I really don’t know what I would tell my future self. I hope that 5 years from now I will have my anxiety under control, still have a wonderful marriage and be happy! Now, moving on to advice for my past self:

Dear Becca,

Your first 3 years of high school will fly by and will be a blast! Enjoy every moment and treasure your friends. You have no idea how amazing they are. Don’t quit the dance team. I know you are pissed that you had to jump through hoops to try out for varsity and that you still end up on JV, but you are only punishing yourself by quitting.

The move to Georgia before your senior year will be really difficult. Do not punish your mother for the move. It was not up to her and she is actually really excited to leave Illinois. You have no idea how much she hated living in Chicago so stop being so selfish. That first summer in Georgia, get up off your butt and stop eating! That does absolutely nothing to make the move easier. (Side note, do not wear that jean skirt on your first day of your senior year. You gained waaaay to much weight to squeeze into that.)

I understand how important finding a boyfriend is to you. You have so many crushes that are never reciprocated and it hurts. It will be ok.

In college, stop dating all those losers. Do not waste so much time on that guy that stands you up more than once, never takes you out on a date, never calls when he says he will and refuses to be committed to you. Stand up for yourself and walk away from him. There is a wonderful man that is better than you have ever imagined waiting for you. If you took all of your dream guys and combined only their best attributes, it wouldn’t even come close to the man you marry. Just be patient!

Stop telling yourself that as soon as you get a boyfriend, graduate, get a job, have your own place, etc that you will be happy. Be happy now! Your future is very bright but what you are going through now will be looked back on fondly. Don’t waste time wishing it was the future because you are missing out on the present.

Love,

Becca

Letting Fear Conquer

2010-12-20T16:10:00.001-06:00

December 20 – Beyond Avoidance

What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)

(Author: Jake Nickell)

The one thing that I regretting the most this year was passing up the opportunity to go to London with Josh. Josh found out he was going to London for a business trip early in the year. He mentioned it to me and asked me if I wanted to go. When he asked me, the trip was still months in the future so I mumbled something resembling, “Maybe” and changed the subject.

If you had asked me 3 years ago if I wanted to go to London, your ears would be ringing from my screams. I have always wanted to go to Europe so you would think I would be dying for the chance, right? Well, things have changed since my anxiety started. Ever since Thanksgiving of 2008, I have been terrified to fly.

That Thanksgiving, I was flying to Oklahoma to stay with my future in laws for the first time (I didn’t realize they were going to be my in laws at this point). The morning I woke up to catch our flight, I was hit by this incredible nausea. I told Josh that I was pretty sure I was sick but he told me I was just nervous. I denied this because there was no way that I could be so nervous that I felt that sick. It wasn’t just a couple butterflies; this was so bad that brushing my teeth had me gagging. I couldn’t eat or drink anything because I would gag.

I somehow made it to the airport and onto the plane and all I can remember is clutching the little paper bag that is put in each seat, crying to Josh that I was going to be sick. After I got on the plane I remembered that I had some anti-nausea medication that was prescribed to help with the nausea I get with migraines, so I took one and fell asleep. After the medicine kicked in the nausea went away, but it made me so drowsy that I was in a fog the rest of the day.

After that experience, I was completely terrified of flying. Even it if was just to fly to Chicago to see my family, I would get really, really sick. Then it extended to car trips so that basically any travelling resulted in me feeling like my stomach was punishing me for some horrible wrong doing I had committed.

Needless to say, when Josh mentioned the 8 hour flight to London, my stomach flipped and I immediately decided I didn’t want to go. I made some lame excuse to Josh about not being able to get off of work so he booked his trip without me. As the trip approached, everyone was telling me how crazy I was for not going and I started to regret my initial decision to stay home and hide from the big, bad plane.

About a month before the trip, I told Josh I wanted to go. We started looking into flights and realized it was going to cost us a lot to book another flight. In addition, Josh would be in meetings most of the days we were in London so I would be alone a lot. If we had planned on me going earlier, we could have extended to trip so Josh and I could have spent more time together. In the end, I decided this trip wouldn’t work out.

I can’t tell you how much I regret this decision. Josh had a wonderful time and still talks about how amazing London is to this day. I am so disappointed in myself for letting my anxiety win. I let fear stop me from doing something I have always wanted to do.

Recently, Josh told me he is going back to London in April and I have decided to go. Barring anything major happening like me getting pregnant or extremely ill, I have committed to going. I am excited but the fear is still there. I am terrified of how I will feel on the travel days. I can’t even express how miserable I feel when I get that nauseous. It is way worse than food poisoning or any flu I have ever had.

However, I am going to push through the fear. I am determined to overcome this, but there may be days where my confidence wanes and I might need you guys to help me. I may need some of you to kick my butt and tell me to take control of my fear. I know I can do this, but I am not ashamed of asking for help.

Reverb and Poop Coffee

2010-12-19T20:36:00.004-06:00

My responses to the Reverb10 prompts will be short today because I have something else I want to talk about.

December 18 – Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it? (Author: Kaileen Elise)

I really want to try being a mother and I hope I get that chance in 2011. There's nothing I can do besides what we are already doing so all I can do is try to relax and let things happen. Josh and I went to a 1st birthday party today for a friend's daughter and I couldn't stop thinking about how much I couldn't wait for our kid's birthday parties.

December 19 – Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011? (Author: Leonie Allan)

I didn't heal this year. In fact, I felt broken all year and didn't know why. Now that I have identified the problem, I'm going to start working on it immediately. I don't know if it will be healed in 2011 but I hope to at least make some major progress.

Now moving on to other things, Josh and I opened all our presents on Friday night. We are leaving for Chicago on Thursday and we didn't want to bring all the presents on the 13 hour car trip. Josh had already given me one of my Christmas presents which was a Droid X and the other one was a gorgeous leather jewelry box.

I got him a bunch of little things such as some nice teas, a new travel mug, The Pacific DVD, some collar stays with sweet sayings on them and some coffee. Now, this wasn't any ordinary coffee. No, this was poop coffee. Yes, poop coffee.

Image from Animal Coffee website.

The company is based in Indonesia and they harvest kopi luwak coffee. Basically the kopi luwak (which is a small cat-like animal) eats coffee beans from local harvests and it's stomach juices break down the bitterness that is normally associate with coffee. When the kopi luwak gets rid of the coffee beans, people actually pick the coffee beans from the poop and clean it and get it ready for shipment.

The coffee is rare and pretty expensive and it is something Josh has wanted for a long time. He had been talking about it for so long I actually caved and ordered it for him. I haven't tried it and I don't think I ever will but he seems pretty pleased. I am trying to get used to the idea by telling myself that lots of people eat weird stuff. I mean I watched a show once about all the gross stuff that people in other countries eat (like moldy cheese with maggots crawling in it! GAG!) so this isn't that bad. Right?

Kindness from Strangers

2010-12-17T10:05:00.001-06:00

Day 17: Lesson Learned: What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward? (Author: Tara Weaver)

I feel like a lot of these prompts are very similar and I keep answering the same way. I can think of a million lessons I learned this year but most of them have been talked about extensively in previous posts. My answer for today’s prompt is simple.

This year I learned to never give up faith in people. I sometimes get very down on the human race because I see so much hate and suffering. However, this year taught me that there are many more good people than bad. There are people that will email a perfect stranger to give them suggestions on what could be wrong with their dog and to offer prayers. There are people that after reading a stranger’s blog post, write an incredibly sweet and supportive comment. There are so many wonderful, kind people out there and I am so fortunate to have been the recipient of their kindness this year.

Lucky in Friends

2010-12-16T14:50:00.004-06:00

Today’s Reverb10 prompt is Friendship How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst? (Author: Martha Mihalick)

I am in a time in my life where I don’t have an abundance of friends. I have coworkers that I am friends with, but I don’t hang out with most of them outside of work.

Growing up, I always had to have that one BEST friend. I believe that there are two types of people. There are those that love having a ton of acquaintances and people to hang out with and then there are people like me that are much happier with one special friend. I moved around quite a bit so I had a cycle of finding a good friend, becoming inseparable, moving away but promising to keep in touch, and finally, never talking to them again. I didn’t have Facebook and Myspace when I was in elementary and middle school so I lost a lot of friendships due to moving.

With every move, it became harder and harder to make friends. I have a feeling this was because I really just stopped making any effort. I got tired of mourning lost friendships over and over so I gave up in a way.

I am the kind of friend that will drop everything if someone needs me. If you call me at 2 AM because you need help? I’m there, no questions asked. If you are going through a rough time, don’t be surprised if I drop by your house with a small gift to cheer you up.

I very rarely meet people that put as much effort into maintaining friendships so very often I feel neglected and hurt. In high school I had a good friend that hurt me over and over and I let her walk all over me. She was popular and I wasn’t and she would only hang out with me when there wasn’t anyone “cooler” in the room. I wrote about the last friend that hurt me greatly and since then I have forgiven and moved on, but I will never put that much work into my friendship with her. I just can’t let myself get hurt like that again.

However, I do have one friend that continues to amaze and inspire me. She is insanely busy and one of those people that has a million and one friends and is always going to some party or get together, so I don’t get to see her as often as I would like. Even though she is busy, she still takes the time to check in with me from time to time. We email and text and keep in touch and she is someone that I know I can count on if I ever need help. She has an amazing faith that just leaves me in awe. She has this amazing positive attitude that I try to model myself after. There have been situations where I will actually think, “What would my friend do right now?” When she laughs, it is this huge, hearty laugh that always leaves me with a giant smile.

In addition to this amazing friend, I also have a husband who supports me in ways I didn’t even realize I needed. I have a mother who would give anything for me and a sister who can always make me laugh. Even though I may not be that girl who has a hundred friends, I feel I am extremely fortunate to have a few strong, close friends that will always be there for me.

2010 in Five Minutes

2010-12-15T14:38:00.001-06:00

December 15 – 5 Minutes

Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.

(Author: Patti Digh)

I set the timer for five minutes and starting thinking about everything I want to remember from this year. It was slow at first, but once I got started, the memories started pouring in my brain.

I want to remember when my mom came to visit me for two weeks in the beginning of the year. Those two weeks were spent laughing, talking and shopping. This trip was also when we found out that my grandmother had the same aneurism that her husband had died of only 8 months earlier.

I love to remember the trip we took to Chicago where Josh and I spent the time going for long walks, playing badminton, riding bikes and resting.

I like to remember how Josh and I went to Oklahoma for the 4^th of July. I remember buying shorts because I had none and Oklahoma was supposed to be hot. However, it was cold and rainy the entire trip. My mom called me while I was there and told me that my grandmother had passed away. It was awful but being with Josh’s family offered comfort.

I need to remember going to Kentucky for the last time to say goodbye to my grandmother and a part of my childhood. I will never again visit their house and play Nintendo while eating little powdered doughnuts. I will never sit up late with my grandparents playing poker or go to their favorite gambling spot. I had anger toward some of the people on my dad’s side of the family because they did not treat my grandmother well but I have decided to forgive and move on. I will never forget how amazing my grandparents were and how many wonderful memories I have of them.

I am proud to remember how my sister got into her dream school and how we helped her move into her dorm at Vanderbilt. I told everyone I talked to how she had been accepted and how incredibly smart my baby sister is. We spent an entire day helping her unpack and make her dorm room as comfortable as possible. During the year, I have visited my sister a few times and she spent a weekend with us. I have grown so much closer to her and she is truly one of my best friends.

I smile when I remember my parents and sister coming to visit me and how much fun we all had together. We went to lunch with an old friend and had the perfect southern moment. My dad was able to spend time with some old high school and college friends which hopefully helped him heal after losing his parents.

I get giddy when I remember the moment Josh and I decided to officially start trying for a baby. I was so optimistic and sure it would happen right away. Through the year we have dealt with multiple disappointments from negative tests and frustrations from messed up menstrual cycles. During the year we have also grown together and I feel like I have become a much stronger woman.

I tear up when I remember the moment we saw something was wrong with Lexy and we brought her to the vet. Through all the vet visits and testing we never lost hope that our baby would get better. We made a YouTube video and many, many strangers emailed us to offer advice, prayers or kind words. I was completely amazed at how much kindness we received. I feel lucky for every moment I get to spend with both of my dogs and keep praying that she will continue to improve.

I laugh when I remember how much fun Josh and I had in Asheville, NC for our one year anniversary. We had many hours of quality time celebrating how much we had grown in our first year of marriage.

I choose to remember the moments where anxiety prevented me from fully living my life. I missed out on an opportunity to go to London with Josh because I was too scared to travel. I remember how much regret I felt and how that regret fueled me to commit to go to London in April. I also choose to remember the very recent moment of clarity I had regarding my anxiety and how I am now filled with hope and optimism.

Aspirations and Appreciation

2010-12-14T19:33:00.003-06:00

December 13 – Action When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step? (Author: Scott Belsky)

I'm really glad I am answering this prompt today because I had a big wake up call this afternoon. I went to my general physician to follow up on an issue that was minor but needed to be looked at. While I was there, I mentioned this new weird eye twitch I have developed over the last week.

My doctor looked me and rolled over to sit right beside me. He then spent about 20 minutes going through what stress and anxiety does to someone's body. I, of course, started crying because I know I have a problem. I struggle with so many health issues and I am finally starting to accept that anxiety is what is causing them. I have nausea very often and I get dizzy a lot. I get headaches all the time and I am always tired.

The other day a thought popped into my head that scared me. I started thinking about people that have agoraphobia (that is when people are too scared to be in public so stay locked in their house) and I actually thought, "I could see myself like that one day." To say that frightened me was an understatement.

I also get completely terrified of travelling, especially by plane. The week leading up to leaving for a trip, I will be nauseous every single day. On the day that we leave, I will wake up so sick that I will be gagging and crying. It is unbearable and it has stopped me from ever wanting to travel. I have the opportunity to go to London in April and the person I used to be would be jumping out of my skin I would be so excited. But the person I am now? I am actually dreading the trip.

Over the next year, I am going to work on myself. I have got to find ways to reduce stress and anxiety or my health issues are going to get worse. I don't really want to take medication since we are trying to conceive so I need to figure something else out. Whether it takes therapy, exercise, yoga or something I haven't figured out yet, I have to make some major changes.

This post was really hard for me to write because to be honest, I am ashamed of my issues. I feel like it makes me weak and that everything is in my own head. If it's in my head, shouldn't I be able to stop it? Why do I feel so out of control?

December 14 – Appreciate What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it? (Author: Victoria Klein)

Moving on to happier topics, I am so grateful for so many things in my life! In the past year, one of the things I have come to appreciate the most is family. I lost my grandmother and my grandfather within one year and it scared me to realize how fast everything can change. Both Josh and my parents live very far from us so I have learned to appreciate every second I get to spend with them.

My husband has spent the past 5 years busting his butt to earn his Masters degree and he finally finished last month. Now that he is done, we get to spend much more time together and it is wonderful. I am happiest when I am hanging out with my family and I treasure every second with them.

11 Things and Convertibles

2010-12-12T16:59:00.004-06:00

December 11 – 11 Things What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life? (Author: Sam Davidson)

Coming up with 11 things to live without is a little tough! A few things sprang to mind right away but after that, I had to do some serious thinking.

1. Fear/Anxiety - I have said this before in previous posts but I have to stop avoiding things that scare me, especially travel.

2. Negativity - I could live without this from myself and from others.

3. Television - I don't want to give this up entirely because Josh and I have a few shows we love to watch together, but I could definitely cut back on the amount of TV I watch.

4. Self doubt - This is a big one for me. I doubt myself in almost every area of my life. I want to become a photographer some day but that is never going to happen if I keep doubting myself along the way.

5. Worry - My husband never worries about anything unless it is really big. He tells me all the time that worrying doesn't change anything but it is so natural to me. I really want to work on this.
6. Lack of faith - I don't talk about faith much on here but I do struggle with mine quite often. I have many family members and friends that are so strong in their faith and I want to be like them.

7. Impatience - For some things, I have all the patience in the world but for others, my fuse is incredibly short. I need to have more patience in all areas of my life, not just some.

8. Need to have a plan - I am one of those people that need to have a plan for every situation. Sometimes this can be helpful but most of the time it just makes me anxious and causes a lot of "what ifs."

9. Nausea - This one is a little different then the rest of my list but I spend a lot of my days sick to my stomach. I don't know if it is a hormonal issue or anxiety but I need to get it figured out. I can't stand feeling nauseous and I want it to stop!

10. Sugar - I eat way to many sweets and I know it's horrible for me. I don't have any issues with my weight but I want to cut back on sweets for my health.

11. Envy - I am constantly looking at other people's lives and comparing them to mine. Those with children or people with no health issues make me feel horrible about my own life. I need to stay focused on myself and all the amazing things I have!

December 12 – Body Integration This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present? (Author: Patrick Reynolds)

For our one year anniversary, Josh and I went to Asheville, NC and we had a blast! It was absolutely beautiful up in the mountains and we stayed at an amazing inn. As a part of the package we booked when we booked the hotel, we got to take a 3 hour test drive in a BMW. Josh was thrilled and we picked out a hot little convertible.

The weather was perfect that afternoon and we put the top down. On the way up into the mountains, we stopped and ordered a couple of mochas and pumpkin bread. We turned the radio up and drove around these amazingly windy roads for three hours. I remember putting my hands up, throwing my head back and smiling while the sun hit my face. I had no worries or concerns in those three hours. Josh and I talked and laughed and we took tons of pictures. The time flew by but I didn't care. I was completely in the moment and it was perfect.

This post is in response to prompts 11 and 12 of Reverb10.

You Save Me

2010-12-10T13:53:00.002-06:00

What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

Every now and then I get a little lost
My strings all get tangled, my wires all get crossed
Every now and then I'm right up on the edge
Dangling my toes out over the ledge
I just thank God you're here

'Cause when I'm a bullet shot out of a gun
'Cause when I'm a firecracker comin' undone
Or when I'm a fugitive ready to run, all wild-eyed and crazy
No matter where my reckless soul takes me
Baby you save me

(Lyrics from Kenny Chesney’s You Save Me)

Back in 2009, I married my amazing husband. I knew how fortunate I was to meet and fall for such a great guy, but it wasn’t until this year that I realized how the decision to marry Josh was the best decision I have ever made. This year, we have had our share of struggles. We have been through my grandmother passing away only a year after losing my grandfather. I have dealt with numerous health problems that cause frustration and fear almost daily. I have had family members that have had really scary health issues including my dog that we came incredibly close to losing.

Through all of this I have had my rock. It is no secret that I do not deal with stress very well and Josh manages to balance me out. I still have plenty of days where the worry and stress of my life overwhelms me but they are not as frequent as they used to be. Most of the time I know that everything will be ok because I have a strong man by my side and together we can do anything. So what if we don’t get pregnant right away? We will get there. Who cares if I don’t feel good a lot of the time? I can still have fun and relax even if everything is not perfect.

We have also had some really amazing times this year. We took a trip to Oklahoma over the 4^th of July break that had a ton of great moments. We went to Chicago over the summer and had a blast! I will never forget watching Josh try to play badminton. Josh has always been better at me in everything sport related but I whooped his butt in badminton. He is seriously bad, which is hilarious (he would agree). We went bike riding, which was interesting because you know that saying that once you ride a bike you never forget how? Yeah, that’s crap. I hadn’t ridden a bike in ages and I couldn’t even stay on the road. I was horrible.

The decision to marry a man that knows how to take care of me without being suffocating, that brings me happiness in moments when I am down, that can make me laugh without even trying, and who believes in me more than I have ever believed in myself was the best decision I have ever made.

This post is in response to Day 10 of Reverb. It's not too late to check it out and join in!

Spiders and Cowboy Games

2010-12-09T13:05:00.001-06:00

I got extremely busy yesterday so I didn’t get a chance to do my Reverb10 post. I thought I would double up today so I can get caught up. I have a feeling I may be doing this quite a bit this month since blogging every day has been more challenging than I thought.

Prompt 8: Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.

I am embarrassed to tell you guys how stumped I was on this one. I can think of plenty of things that make me different but how do they make me beautiful?

I know that I am incredibly emotional. For example, I despise spiders. I think they are awful and gross and don’t want them anywhere near me. However, one day while I was in the shower I saw a tiny spider had made a web in the corner of our bathroom right above the shower.

Anyway, I thought he was kind of cute and immediately thought of Charlotte’s Web so he became my little friend (seriously, he was really, really small). For a few days when I would shower, I looked for him and smiled when I found him. One day, I couldn’t find him so I asked Josh if he had noticed the spider. Josh told me that he was worried that it would scare me so he killed it. You will never guess what I did when he told me that. I cried. I actually cried over a tiny spider.

There are many times in my life that my emotions get out of hand. I have a hard time controlling my feelings so things come out of my mouth that shouldn’t sometimes and I can be very moody. However, that emotional side of me is also what makes me care about others so much. I can’t stand to see anyone or anything suffering. If I see a turtle crossing the road, I will stop and make sure he gets across no matter how many people honk at me.

If a pet is suffering, I will spend thousands of dollars trying to save it because it deserves a good life too. Sure, sometimes my emotions cause me to be moody and get depressed but overall, I think I am incredibly lucky to feel so deeply. I may feel pain and sorrow more often then some but I also get to feel incredible happiness too.

Prompt 9: What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.

The first thing that popped into my mind was when I went to Oklahoma with Josh for the 4^th of July. Josh’s entire family lives in this tiny town in Oklahoma and once a month they all get together to celebrate all the birthdays and anniversaries of that month. When we visited over the 4^th, we were lucky enough to be there when one of these gatherings were taking place.

Imagine a trailer home with about 40 people packed inside and half of these people are big men with cowboy boots and cowboy hats. All the women were rushing around setting up the food and talking. Kids and teens were running around playing volleyball and laughing. After we ate an amazing meal, everyone wanted to play a game.

The game is a little complicated to explain but let’s just say that by the end, Josh had fallen out of his chair laughing and I had tears running down my face. I have never laughed so hard in my life and it was a day that I will never forget.

Photography Community

2010-12-07T15:33:00.003-06:00

I am participating in Reverb. Join me!

December 7 – Community

Prompt: Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

Back in 2009, about four months before I got married, I became interested in photography. I took a class through my company and was enjoying learning about the vast field, but wedding plans quickly took over my life and I put photography on the back burner.

After things settled down after the wedding I decided to start back again. This past year I have met some amazing photographers locally and in the blogging community. I have been absolutely amazed at how many of them are willing to help out a complete photography novice that they have never met.

I spent a day helping out a local photographer and had a blast! I interviewed for a photography internship that unfortunately I didn't get, but still had fun in the process and made some great contacts. I talked with a wonderful photographer, Rachel, who gave up her precious time to give me some great advice.

I completely adore the photography community and can't wait to be more involved. I fully intend on being involved as much as I can next year and can't wait to meet more amazing people and talented artists!

Crafty!

2010-12-06T18:17:00.003-06:00

Day 6 - Make

What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

(Author: Gretchen Rubin)

For our 1st anniversary, I decided to make a gift for Josh. I spent weeks working on it and it is something I am incredibly proud of.

I wrote up the entire story of how we met. I typed it up and even used the emails Josh sent me when we first met. In case I have never said it on here before, Josh and I acutally met through Myspace. He emailed me and I emailed back. After we had been emailing for a little bit we discovered we both worked at the same company. Small world!

After I typed up the story, I completed the book by decorating the cover and binding it together with some ribbon. I gave it to Josh on our anniversary and he really seemed to like it.
I do not consider myself very crafty or creative so I don't make things like this very often. I do need to start scrapbooking with all the pictures from our wedding so I think that should be my next project!

Letting Go

2010-12-05T17:14:00.002-06:00

December 5 – Let Go.

What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?
(Author: Alice Bradley)

I thought about this prompt all day today and really couldn't think of anything I actually let go of this year. I can think of a million things I would have liked to have let go of though. So today I will focus on things that I am going to let go of next year.

I want to let go of negativity. I have said this before but it is so natural for me to look at the negatives in situations. I don't want to be like that so I am going to let that go. Instead, I will only look for positives even in situations where that may be difficult.

I want to let go of judgement. I am so quick to assume that I know what someone's intentions were. My husband gets the large brunt of this and it's entirely unfair to him. If he forgets to clean up after himself in the kitchen, instead of assuming he just wanted to make more work for him, I need to be understanding.

I want to let go of fear. I am tired of my fear controlling me. I get incredible anxiety anytime I travel, especially by plane. I have the opportunity to visit London this year and instead of being excited, I keep finding myself dreading the trip. My fear is making me change who I am and that has to stop. I want to let go of all my fears.

I want to let go of worry and stress. There are many things I cannot control and those things are not worth wasting energy on. I need to have faith that things will work out and if they don't that I have the intelligence and strength to fix things.

I firmly believe that if I am successful in letting these things go, my life will be more fulfilling and positive. I know some of these things will be a challenge because they happen out of habit but I have to make it a priority and stop making excuses.

Sense of Wonder

2010-12-04T09:04:00.002-06:00

Day 4 of Reverb

December 4 – Wonder.

How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?
(Author: Jeffrey Davis)

I wish I could sit here and tell you all of these amazing moments of wonder in my life. I could say that I always see the little things in life and appreciate the beauty in the day to day activities. But that would be a lie. When I read the prompt for today I was completely stumped and that really disappointed me. Over an entire year, I could not think of anything that cultivated a sense of wonder?

Photography was something that somewhat helped because I started to see the world broken down into pictures. However, I think the fact that I don't really have a sense of wonder has prevented me from becoming a better photographer. How can I capture a photograph that has a sense of wonder if I don't have that sense in my own life?

I also tend to be very pessimistic. In any situation, it is a lot easier for me to pick apart the bad things than relish in the good. If I am constantly seeing the negatives, I obviously won't have a sense of wonder. Today's prompt is the first (and certainly won't be the last) of the topics that has helped me realize an area of growth in my life. I need to develop my sense of wonder.

Alive

2010-12-03T09:20:00.000-06:00

Reverb Day 3: December 3 – Moment.

Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

(Author: Ali Edwards)

About 7 or 8 months ago, I sat in the bathroom with the test in my hand. I was shaking so hard that I decided I needed to set the test down on the counter so I didn’t mess something up. My heart was pounding so hard that I was pretty sure it would jump right out of my chest. I knew my husband was anxiously waiting outside the door for the results. I had been ready for a baby for a while but this was the first month we had actively tried.

As I sat there waiting, a million thoughts ran through my head. I placed my hand on my stomach and prayed that there was a little baby growing inside. My mind danced with images of cribs, baby clothes and little fingers. When I glanced back at the test, the words NOT PREGNANT glared back at me and my heart sank. My eyes welled up with tears and dejected, I opened the door to shake my head at my husband. Josh was disappointed but I barely noticed it before his optimism came out. He told me this just wasn’t our baby and we would get it next time.

We still don’t have our baby but we are in this together and we will get there when the time is right. I have taken a couple more tests since that first one and each one makes me feel more alive. I can’t even imagine what I will feel when I finally see that little plus sign.

Reverb Catch Up!

2010-12-03T08:05:00.002-06:00

Have you guys heard about this Reverb thing? I hadn’t until my blogging BFF, Michelle signed up for it and I read her amazing first post. I went back and forth when trying to decide whether to participate. The usual excuses were there of course. Did I have enough time? The holidays are so busy and I might not have time to write every day. What if my writing sucks so bad that people hate it? The excuses just went on and on.

Then I realized how I always put way too much thought into everything I do and how I need to do things without so much hesitation and fear. So I am going to participate! Since I am a couple days behind, I decided to do the topics from Monday and Tuesday now and then I will do today’s prompt this evening. Monday’s prompt is:

Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
(Author: Gwen Bell)

Trying to encapsulate the entire year in one word is a little difficult but I think I have the perfect one. For me, this last year has meant a ton of growth. I lost some family members and starting the journey of trying to conceive. My dog became extremely ill and we had to fight with everything we had to save her. Through all of these challenges, I have grown tremendously. Furthermore, I believe that my marriage has grown and become a lot stronger. I did not handle every challenge this year with grace but I learned from my mistakes.

For 2011, I am choosing calm. Anyone who knows me will tell you I am anything but relaxed and stress free. I am constantly worrying and anxious and it is affecting my health and everything else in my life. In 2011, I want to stop worrying about so many things that I can’t change. I want to live my life in the moment and stop looking ahead or in the past.

What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?
(Author: Leo Babauta)

Honestly, I don’t take my writing very seriously. I know I could be a decent writer but I don’t put the time or effort into it. I work all day and then when I go home I always have a million things to do. If I do get a chance to write it’s at work when I have nothing else to do. So I guess to directly answer the question, almost everything I do gets in the way of writing but the biggest thing is laziness. Yes, I can eliminate that and Reverb is my first step!

Crossing Our Fingers!

2010-11-28T09:05:00.003-06:00

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving! Ours was pretty great but I have to say that I am glad to be back home. I had been holding back on doing any more updates on Lexy because I was afraid to jinx anything. However, I thought it was finally time. Guys, Lexy is so much better! She is on 4 different medications right now; three of them are to protect her stomach and the fourth is a strong dose of steroids. Since going on the steroids, she has improved really quickly. She no longer twitches or shakes, she has a lot more energy and her coordination has improved. She isn't completely back to her normal self but she is really close.

We were really hesitant to bring her with us to visit Josh's family on Christmas because we weren't sure if she was ready. She did absolutely wonderful. She had so much energy and seemed to have a great time around all the family. Josh thought we might have started babying her a little too much and that on the trip we let go a little. I agree completely. I have stopped staring at her 24/7 to see how she is doing. I have stopped freaking out if her breathing gets erratic because I know the steroid causes that. I am not paranoid that she will never wake up. We have been doing everything we can and that's all we can do.

I want to thank everyone for your comments and for forwarding the YouTube video. We have had so many wonderful suggestions that we are planning to take with us when we go for a follow up at UT. I can't even tell you how many times I have cried over a stranger emailing us to say they cared about Lexy. Some days I get really down on the human race but not lately. I am just completely amazing and so blessed. Thank you all so much! I can't even express how much I love you all.

The next steps for Lexy are to stay on the steroid for another few weeks. Then, we will go to UT for a check up and if everything is OK we will start to wean her off of the steroid. I am praying that the symptoms do not return at that point. We want to get her off the steroids as soon as possible because it causes a lot of side effects and other problems.

In the meantime, we are enjoying every minute with our little girl and we feel so blessed to have these moments.

Help Lexy!

2010-11-20T17:14:00.001-06:00

Josh and I made this video so we could reach out to other dog owners who may help us out. If any of you guys know anyone that could help, please pass it on. Thank you so much!

Lexy Progress Report

2010-11-19T13:39:00.003-06:00

We finally got word on the final results for the tests the animal hospital was running. Everything was negative. Since we have pretty much eliminated everything else, UT believes that Lexy either has an autoimmune disorder (where basically her immune system is attacking her body) or distemper. They are recommending that we try to put her on a high dose of steroids for a while to see if that helps. If it does, she probably has an autoimmune disorder and she will stay on steroids for a month or two and then will hopefully wean off the medication.

If it doesn't help, she probably has distemper. The steroids may help distemper or may make it worse. We have decided if we see no improvement with the steroids in a week or so, we will discontinue it and start looking for distemper treatments. Distemper is classified as a non-curable disease but there are a few methods that show success. My grandparents had a dog with severe distemper that after giving her gamma globulin shots every day for a while she made a full recovery.

Lexy has moments where she seems back to her normal self. We have been cooking her hamburger meat because she isn't interested in her dog food and she gets really excited about that. However, she still has many moments where she seems completely out of it and confused. Josh seems convinced that she is dizzy and that's why she keeps tripping and stumbling.

Right now we are just taking it one day at a time. I am hopeful but still trying to be realistic. I have not gotten much sleep this week and my stress level has been out of control. Basically that means I have spent all week nauseous because my stomach likes to freak out whenever I am stressed.

Another thing I am worried about is Thanksgiving. We were planning on meeting Josh's family in Arkansas to stay in a little cabin in the woods for Thanksgiving. We were supposed to leave on Wednesday. However, there is no way we can bring Lexy with us at this point. The trip would stress her out way to much. Right now, she needs all the rest and relaxation she can get and we try to make sure someone is with her at all times. The only solution we can come up with is that I stay home with her and Josh goes to see his family. I would hate for him to miss out on meeting up with his family since he has not gotten to see them much this year. So unless Lexy has some miraculous improvement in the next few days, I may be spending Thanksgiving alone with a sick dog. It is a tough decision but I am putting Lexy first.

In talking with all of my friends and coworkers it's amazing how some people understand what I am going through and others look at me like I am crazy. I know not everyone would spend close to three grand on a dog. Many people would not devote so much time and energy trying to save a pet. I guess I don't look at Lexy like a pet. She is a family member and I love her like one. I have never once considered giving up and paying for all the tests wasn't an option for me. I love her and I am not giving up.

Not Doing So Good

2010-11-18T07:22:00.002-06:00

Lexy came home last night and I immediately noticed something was wrong. She kept stumbling and when she was standing still, would rock a little. She has always been extremely agile so I knew that wasn't good. We tried to feed her and she would take a couple of bites and then just stand there staring at the wall. She seems confused and disoriented. She also wheezes a little when she is laying down and seems to have trouble getting her breath. I also question whether she can see out of her right eye. She wants to lay in her bed but she won't sleep. She just lays there staring at the wall or one of us.

Josh is home with her right now because if she does pass away, we are not going to let her do it alone. We are watching her closely and if it seems like she is in any pain, we are going to have her put down. If it comes to that, I am going to find someone that can come to the house so that her last moments are at her home.

I don't know what to think right now. I am devastated and just keep crying. If any dog deserves a long, happy life, it's her. How am I going to get through this?

Lexy Update!

2010-11-16T17:37:00.003-06:00

Wow, this has been one long and crazy day! All day we were receiving updates from University of Tennessee. Can I just say how amazing they are? They are so caring and wonderful. If anyone ever needs extensive work done on their dogs, I would absolutely recommend them.

Lexy made it through all the tests today and is resting. Her MRI and electromagnetic test (test on her muscles) came back normal. Her spinal fluid showed minor inflammation so they are still thinking it has something to do with her nervous system. They were very concerned about distemper and ran tests to see if she had it. I was praying so hard that she did not have distemper. There is no cure for it and the majority of dogs die.

Around 5:00 today we received the news that her distemper results were negative! I can't even explain to you how relieved I was to get those results. She still has a chance that she has distemper (sometimes dogs go into a sort of remission where distemper cells are not shed) but it is less likely.

The next steps are to test for a few infectious diseases. Most of the diseases they are testing for are treatable with the exception of one or two. If those come back negative we will start a drug trial. One of the drugs we will try is for seizures since she could be having localized seizures. The other one is a drug used to treat cardiovascular problems that has had success in dogs with distemper.

If none of that works, the last resort is to do a muscle and nerve biopsy.

Basically, we don't know anything for sure yet. We know her MRI is normal and that her spinal fluid is showing minor inflammation. We have many more tests to do and hopefully we will figure something out soon. Thank you all for your comments and tweets. I don't know how I would get through this without you all. I love you guys!

Also, I realized today that your comments are not showing up under the posts. I am working on trying to figure this out, but please know I have received all your comments by email. If I haven't responded to you by tomorrow, please email me at bsig84 at gmail dot com.

My Little Lexy

2010-11-15T20:18:00.005-06:00

I wanted to give you all a quick update on what's going on right now. Some of you may have an idea from twitter but I haven't told the entire story.

Thursday night, I noticed Lexy was squinting her left eye. She did it a few times and stopped so I decided to just watch her to make sure she didn't do it anymore.

Friday, we didn't notice any problems until that night when she started squinting her left eye again. Since it was late and our vet wasn't open we decided to just watch her and make her an appointment on Saturday if she was still having problems. On a side note, I am so grateful to have a vet that opens on Saturdays!

Saturday morning, she was still squinting. When I knelt down to pet her, I noticed her left front leg was also twitching a little bit. I told Josh and he said we should call the vet. We went to see the vet and they did some blood tests. Everything came back normal with the exception of her potassium level which was low. They gave us some supplements and sent us home. In the back of my mind I knew it wasn't a potassium issue but I thought we would give the supplements a shot.

By Sunday morning, Lexy got worse. As the day went on, the shaking and twitching became more pronounced and was constant instead of every now and then. I called the vet and made an appointment for first thing on Monday morning.

At this point I knew it had to be something neurological. The fact that it was localized to one side of her body and was out of her control were huge signs for me. Sunday was a rough day. I spent a lot of the day crying. Lexy would look up at me with her twitching eye and I would just burst into tears. At one point I saw her looking at her shaking leg with a confused look and then she tried to lick it a couple of times. I could tell she was confused and it killed me. I was extremely grateful that she did not seem to be in any pain though. I don't know how I would have handled it if she was.

Monday morning we brought her back to the vet and they told us they wanted to refer us to the University of Tennessee animal hospital. They were concerned with how fast it was progressing and when the vet called the hospital to make an appointment, after hearing her symptoms the hospital told us to come that day.

So at 9:30 this morning I set out on a 4 hour drive to Knoxville, Tennessee. Luckily, since Josh was not able to go with me, my grandfather offered to drive me. I was able to hold Lexy in my lap the entire way.

Once we got to the hospital, they took her back to examine her while we waited in the waiting room. About half and hour later we were called back. Basically, they aren't really sure what's going on but they are suspecting a nervous system issue. They think it could be an autoimmune system disorder which is like a human getting lupus or rheumatoid arthritis. Basically, her immune system could be attacking her brain. If that is the case, medication (either short term or lifelong) could help her live a normal life.

They decided to do an MRI and spinal tap to see if it is in fact a nervous system problem. If it is not, they may have to do a muscle biopsy and other tests until they figure out what is going on. They had to keep her overnight tonight since they can't put her under because she ate this morning. I should be getting updates tomorrow and if the tests go well, I may be able to pick her up tomorrow night.

Josh and I are praying for good news. I would hate for her to have to be on medication for the rest of her life but I will definitely take that over something like a brain tumor. I love my little Lexy Loo like a member of my family and I can't imagine my life without her!

PS. I apologize if there are a million grammar and spelling mistakes in this post. I am so tired and just don't have the energy to proof read tonight! :O)

Facing Obstacles

2010-11-10T09:00:00.002-06:00

Last Friday I interviewed for an amazing internship opportunity. A local photographer who I am completely obsessed with held a group interview for people interested in the internship. To say I really wanted this job would be a HUGE understatement. I was extremely nervous to even go to the interview because I am usually much better in one-on-one situations and since this was a group interview, I was worried I wouldn't stand out.

The interview went well and I felt like all my answers were honest and from my heart. I did the best I could and hoped for the best. Over the last few days I have been obsessively checking my email for word on whether I got the internship. I couldn’t stop thinking about how badly I wanted this opportunity.

Last night I received word that I didn’t get the internship. I was devastated and spent the night feeling sorry for myself and shedding a few (ok maybe more than a few) tears.(It needs to be said that I am not upset with the photographers for their decision at all and I hope to keep in contact with them in case they need help in the future.) One thing that struck me this morning was that not once last night did I question my passion in photography. I never thought for even a second that I wanted to quit. This is a big deal for me.

Growing up I quit everything I started. I tried ballet, volleyball, basketball, track and field, dance team, marching band, gymnastics and softball. Most of these things I tried for a season or so and then quit. Sometimes it was because I was bored and other times it was because I came across an obstacle and just gave up. So the fact that it never even occurred to me to quit photography is a big step for me and I am really proud of that. My passion for photography is not fading and I don’t think it ever will. Even though I am still a little sad today, I am also proud of myself for going to the interview, facing an obstacle and hoping right over to continue on my way.

A Little R&R!

2010-10-28T09:26:00.006-05:00

This has been a pretty stressful week so I am so excited about this weekend. Between blood tests, x-rays and doctor visits I am completely exhausted. Everything is fine with me but I am still looking for answers that I haven't gotten yet. I will update you guys on everything going on sometime soon but right now I am too tired to get into it all.

Instead I want to focus on a very positive thing! I am spending this weekend in Asheville, North Carolina!

Image from here.

We are leaving tomorrow morning bright and early and driving to Asheville. Along the way we will take the Blue Ridge Parkway so we can get some hiking in and take a ton of pictures. We are staying at the Grove Park Inn which I have heard lots of good things about!

Image from here.

On Saturday we are taking a test drive in a BMW for three hours (this came with our hotel room) and we will have picnic up in the mountains. That night we are going on a ghost tour of the city! Sunday will be devoted to the Biltmore Estate. When we started planning our trip, I didn't think we would go to Biltmore because I thought it was just a big house. After talking to a few people that have been there, we decided to go.

Image from here.

JJ and I haven't been on a normal vacation since our honeymoon so we are both extremely excited about this trip. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

Photo Contest

2010-10-19T13:12:00.006-05:00

My local botanical gardens put on a photography contest which I eagerly signed up for. I am really trying to further my skills and knowledge in photography and I knew the contest would push me to get more practice. To enter the contest, the pictures had to be taken at the gardens from September 1 to October 18. You had to put the pictures on a CD as well as print out copies.

I have been pretty busy lately so I only went to the gardens twice to take pictures. The first time I went I only got one picture that I was really happy with. So last weekend I went back and took a bunch more and had quite a few that I was extremely happy with.

Here are the ones I like but that didn't make the cut to be entered into the contest.

I decided to enter my three favorites and here are the ones I chose. (To see all of these in a bigger size, see my Flickr page.)

On Sunday night, the day before the pictures were due, I spent some time editing and getting the pictures on a CD. It was about 6:30 that night when I realized I still needed to print my pictures out. After a very brief moment of panic (OK, maybe it was more like 15 minutes of freaking out) I decided to have them printed at a local drugstore. I uploaded my pictures to their website and got an email that they were ready for pick up at about 7:15. When I got back home, I glanced at the pictures, wrote my name on the back and put them in a folder to turn in the next day.

When I got to work the next morning I decided to look at my pictures again. Pretty quickly I noticed that something looked a little off. They seemed darker than I remember them being. I pulled up the images on my computer screen and held the printed pictures up to the screen to compare. I was completely shocked at the difference in pictures. They were a LOT darker.

I was extremely disappointed and even considered not entering the contest anymore. Even though I was thrilled with the images on the computer, I was not very proud of the printed ones. I would normally order the pictures from Winkflash or MPix but since I had procrastinated until the night before, I thought the drugstore would be fine. I learned my lesson!

The pictures had to be turned in by 5:00 pm that night and I arrived at the gardens right after work at 4:45. The gate to the entrance was already half way closed so I drove through the exit to get in. After all that trouble there was no way I would miss the deadline now! I ran into the gift shop to turn my pictures in to the women at the desk. I told her I still needed to pay the entry fee and she informed me that I did not pay her but instead, I needed to put the money in the folder with my pictures.

I hesitated for a moment because I knew I didn't have any cash but then I remembered I could just write a check. I don't write checks very often so I forget that I even have a checkbook. I dug through my purse for a few minutes before I remembered that JJ had used it and put it back on the kitchen table. I was supposed to put it in my purse but forgot. I felt my face get red as I realized I didn't have a way to pay.

I told the woman at the desk that I didn't have a way to pay so I had missed the deadline. As I turned to leave she told me that I could just bring a check back up later. I told her that I could do that and started to make a note on my folder that I would be back with a check. She then suggested that I could just write my credit card number down on my entry form and I could pay that way. Without even thinking about it, I wrote my card number down and handed her the form.

It wasn't until I got back to the car that I realized how stupid I had been. How did it not occur to me that it wasn't the brightest idea to leave my credit card information in the hands of someone I didn't know? When I told JJ he was concerned but told me we could just carefully watch our credit card charges to make sure we don't have any unknown charges being made.

So to summarize, I procrastinated until the night before the deadline and had to print my pictures out from a unreliable company. I barely made the deadline with my pictures and actually had to break driving laws to make it on time . I didn't have any cash or checks on hand so I left my credit card information with a stranger. I am hopeful that my brain will start working soon so the rest of this week will go a little smoother!

One Amazing Year

2010-10-10T07:00:00.000-05:00

One year ago today, I walked down the aisle and married the man of my dreams. During the months leading up to the wedding I had many doubts. I didn't know if I had chosen the right venue for the reception. I didn't know if my nerves would take over and ruin my wedding day. I was worried about how we were going to stick to our budget. One doubt I never had was whether I was marrying the right person. So many people say getting cold feet is normal; that deciding to be with one person for the rest of your life is scary. I never experienced that. I knew I was making the right choice.

I went back and forth on whether we should stick to tradition and sleep in different houses the night before and not see each other until the walk down the aisle. Only weeks before the wedding did I decide that didn't matter to me. I needed to see my future husband when I woke up that morning. I wanted to see him before the walk down the aisle. He is my rock and I knew that being with him would always make everything OK.

The moment I first saw him in his tux I almost passed out. I could not believe how I got so lucky. When I was younger I would constantly daydream about my future husband and what he would be like. I had many different versions of this perfect man. There was the country boy who lived on a farm. There was the business man who worked hard to advance in his field. There was the intelligent man who could spend hours having discussions and debates with me. Somehow, I ended up with the man that embodies every single one of these dream guys. He is that country guy that grew up in Oklahoma and I get to see that side of him whenever we visit his family. He is the business guy that gets up early every morning to spend a hard day at work and he is the smartest person I know.

Since we started dating almost three years ago, we have been through quite a lot. Our parents live far from us and that is difficult. We have been through a few deaths in the family. I have struggled with health issues on and off for almost two years. We have had our ups and downs. We have had fights over things that should never been fought over, but through it all neither of us ever stopped caring. We never stopped trying.

Baby, I hope you know how much you mean to me. I know I can be a pain in the butt at times but you are so patient with me. You have done things so selfless and giving that it completely blows my mind. Whenever I have a problem I can't solve on my own, I know you are the one person that can always help me. You make me want to improve who I am as a person and you balance me out perfectly. You are kind, intelligent, happy and witty. You can always make me laugh even when you aren't trying. I still have to catch my breath at times when I look at you.

This has been a wonderful first year of marriage and I can't wait for many, many more. Happy anniversary babe! I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone.

Independence

2010-09-23T14:40:00.001-05:00

I moved out of my parents house my second year in college. I got a condo with two roommates (one of them was completely insane and you can read about her here) and lived there for a year. After that I moved into a small apartment with a different roommate and after a year with her, I once again moved in with two other girls. I never lived alone and I never was fully financially independent from my parents. I did work all through college (in fact I started working when I was 14) but most months I needed a little extra help. One of the things I was most looking forward to when I graduated from college was being able to support myself and live alone.

After I graduated, I moved in with my grandparents until I could find a job. It took a few months and when I finally found something, I was making so little that I still couldn't afford to move out on my own. Shortly after finding my job, I met JJ and we started dating. After only 6 months I moved in with him. We decided before I moved in, I would pay half of everything except for the mortgage since my name wasn't on the house. A year a half later, we were married and now we have one account.

Something I struggled with when I moved in with JJ and when I closed my old bank account and transferred my money into his, was that I never reached my goal. I never lived by myself and supported myself financially. I was so disappointed in myself that I was always dependent on someone else and I felt like I still had something to prove. JJ had a hard time understanding this so it caused an argument or two in the beginning.

JJ has been out of town all this week and I have learning a really valuable lesson. I don’t NEED JJ. I love him and want him around. I want to spend time with him, but I am not dependent on him. I took care of myself, the dogs and the house all week by myself and I was fine. I even have a horrible migraine today but I am still working and plan on getting some cleaning done tonight. I am strong, independent and can take care of myself. I have a wonderful husband that takes care of me if I need help and supports me but that doesn’t mean I can’t take care of myself. I can stop trying to prove my independence. I already have it.

Comment System Update!

2010-09-22T08:36:00.002-05:00

I have always wanted to be able to email people back after they comment and I finally figured out a way to do it! I installed IntenseDebate (the installation was so easy!) so from now on I should be able to email you guys back, as long as I installed it correctly. Check back later for an actual post!

New Passion

2010-09-16T15:00:00.003-05:00

About a year ago I tried to start learning about photography, but ended up giving up due to my upcoming wedding and being sick ALL.THE.TIME. Lately, in order to distract myself from some not so pleasant events in my life (nothing major. Sorry for being so vague), I have jumped head first into photography.

And I am LOVING it. I am the happiest and most free when I am walking around with my camera on my face. When I am taking pictures I feel like myself again, finally! I have moments where I get overwhelmed because there is so much to learn but most of the time I just enjoy it. Any time I am bored at work, which is pretty much all the time, I read photography blogs or search for inspirational photos. It is so nice to have something I am proud of again. Work drains me because I dislike my job and feel so worthless so it's nice to feel like I have accomplished something at the end of the day. I have posted some pictures on twitter and on Digital Photography School and have gotten some amazing feedback. My confidence is building and my passion is overflowing.

I also have to send a HUGE thank you to Rachel for helping me get started! She is an amazing photographer and took time out of her busy schedule to help me out. Rachel, I don't think you will ever know how much you did for me.

So! Here are some of my favorite photos so far.

Weekend Massage

2010-09-07T12:16:00.003-05:00

For Valentine's Day this year, I got JJ a gift certificate for a massage because he has always wanted to try a deep tissue massage. So I bought him a gift certificate for a spa that is very close to our house and that I have been to multiple times. They recently were bought by a different place but they were honoring the old gift cards (and even adding 20% to it!). JJ wanted me to go with him so I made the appointment for me to get a regular massage and for JJ to get a deep tissue. I also asked for the couples room so we could get our massages at the same time. When I made the appointment they asked me if I had a preference of whether I wanted a female or male to do my massage. I told them I didn't care because the last time I went there a really nice guy did my massage and did a great job.

So we went to our massage yesterday. (Yes, I realize we were just redeeming the gift certificate from seven months ago. JJ and I had a discussion about this because I was convinced that he completely hated my gift and wanted nothing to do with it. He reassured me that I was crazy and that he just hadn't had time. Whatever. Love you honey!) I went to the locker room and got changed and was waiting for my masseur/masseuse to come get me. There was a knock on the door and the girl that works in the locker room told me it was my masseur coming to get me. I open the door and standing there was a young guy that was about 6'5" with huge muscles. And cute. He walked me back to my room and while we waited for JJ to come in we chatted.

JJ and came in with his masseuse and they explained to us that we were to take our robes off and get under the covers on the table. They left the room so we could do just that. After a brief debate over whether they said we were supposed to get under both covers or in between the two (I won that one, ha! I never win any disagreements so I fully plan to use this one as often as I can), we were ready for the massage!

The entire time I was getting my massage, I was so distracted. I was never really able to relax because, really? How could you relax when a cute guy is tucking the blanket into your underwear and rubbing all over you? When he lifted the sheet up to start on my legs I kept thinking, "I hope I didn't miss a spot when I shaved today!" Plus, I kept almost giggling. Also(and this is where I have to warn you about TMI) I totally had to fart the whole time. Then I would think about what would happen if I did fart and I would start giggling.

JJ thought it was hilarious that I can't even relax during a massage. Later, when we were talking about the experience, JJ said, "I had to fart the entire time during the massage." I'm so glad we have so much in common!

Needless to say, next time I will be requesting a female masseuse...

A Moment Like This

2010-08-23T08:43:00.001-05:00

Last week my parents came to visit. On Wednesday, I left work early and my mom and sister headed out to eat lunch at the place I had my rehearsal dinner. We met my grandmother and a good family friend and had a wonderful lunch filled with laughter and amazing food.

After lunch we went to a local mill that had been turned into art studios. We strolled through all the different displays of paintings, photography and other various art forms. We laughed and talked constantly. After we saw the art we went outside to a little lunch truck that stays parked outside the mill. My grandmother ordered one of every dessert they had and we sat down on a small porch. While we were sampling the desserts a rainstorm swept through. I jokingly stated that I felt like I was in the movie Steel Magnolias (good movie but OMG SAD!).

As I sat there under the porch, eating desserts and talking with the women I loved most in my life, I couldn’t help but feel that overwhelming sense of happiness. Everything was perfect in that moment. It wasn’t an extraordinary event, but it is one that I will never forget.

Need Your Help!

2010-08-17T18:43:00.002-05:00

My good friend Rachel has asked for help and I am passing her plea along. Here is her blog post.

If any of you know anything about me, you know that I am a photographer and a Military Wife. These two things are both the center of my universe. It has been brought to my attention today by a very dear friend and photographer (and fellow destination wedding bride) that AMERICAN Airlines does NOT refund ticket prices should a member of the military be called to Active Duty or deployed before the ticket has been used.

When I heard this today, I was shocked.

Get this, not only do they not refund the money for the ticket, THEY CHARGE A $150 CANCELLATION FEE! What!?

I am heartbroken. As someone who has endured all the military can throw at a family… I know that the last thing a family needs to be dealing with in the face of a deployment is fighting with an airline company. It’s wrong, it’s unfair and they deserve their money back… plain and simple.

Here is the excerpt from Allie’s fiancee Jeff’s blog post explaining the situation:

“American Airlines does not refund tickets purchased by military personnel if they get called to active duty before they use the ticket. You heard me, not a single cent. Not only do they not refund the money, but they charge a $150 cancelation fee and give the soldier a credit (now $150 less) for a ticket that expires before most of their tours are up.

Here’s our story: We booked a photographer for our wedding in Mexico and agreed to fly her and a second shooter (military husband) down in exchange for the services. About four weeks later, she contacted us saying that her husband had been called back to Afghanistan for another yearly tour. Our thought was that, since his being called to active duty is out of his control, American Airlines would gladly change the name on the ticket to someone who could actually go. Not the case. Even after submitting US Military paperwork to American, the best they could do is the exact same deal they give to customers that call and bitch about changing a flight: a huge cancellation fee and credit for a later flight (which he’ll never be able to use). Nice work American Airlines, you guys are a class act.”

American Airlines? I don’t think so.

Ladies and gentleman, I’m asking for your help. Spread the word about this. Tweet the hell out of American Airlines. Ask them WHY they refuse to refund the ticket price of a man who is protecting their freedom. Let’s raise a little hell.

Adventures in Waitressing

2010-08-11T11:00:00.002-05:00

Right after high school I decided to try being a waitress for a while. I think the correct term is actually “server” but I have always like waitress better. For three years I was the best waitress I could be and at first, I loved my job. I worked with a bunch of great people and we had so much fun. After about a year though, I started to despise it. I got so tired of the rude people and the constant complaining. I was always on my feet either serving my tables or cleaning up around the restaurant. During those three years I gained and lost friends, I dated a few great guys, I met some awful guys, I had some amazing regular customers and some horrible ones. I thought I would share some of those stories with you guys in case any of you ever consider becoming a waitress. I think you should know what is in store for you.

Some people either couldn’t read or couldn’t pronounce their words very well. I had a table order a Filet mignon (they pronounced it Fil-LET) and a Merlot (pronounced Mer-LOT). The T is silent people!

I dropped off a check to a couple that had been very friendly during the meal. They sat for a while and then left. They never tried to wave me over or get my attention. When I went to pick up their payment, they had written a note on the credit card slip that said, “The pen you gave us ran out of ink so you won’t get a tip.” Hmm. They obviously managed to find a pen since they wrote that wonderful note to me. But I obviously gave them a pen that was out of ink on purpose to make them angry. I am so evil sometimes.

A very large man used many swear words while yelling at me because we were out of prime rib.
I learned to take deep breaths and not punch someone when my tables snapped their fingers at me.

I figured out that I could never tell whether my table would give a good tip or not. I had tables that were so nice and made conversation that left me nothing and I had tables that seemed rude give me great tips.

I once had a guy leave me a penny for a tip.

I could always tell when a couple was arguing and it would always make me really uncomfortable.

One night I got sat with a table of 3 older couples. They were so sweet and friendly during the meal. They all ordered Filet mignon which was our best steak available. After they ordered, I went over the order to make sure everything was correct and they said it was. They all ate every bite of their steaks and commented how great everything tasted. When I brought them their check, they seemed confused and they told me they did not order a steak that was so expensive. When I explained to them that Filet mignon cost more they told me they had all ordered sirloins (a much less expensive steak) and not Filet's. I told them that I was sorry for the misunderstanding but since they ate their meals they would need to pay for them. They were very upset but they paid and left. After they left, the family that was sitting behind them called me over. They said that they had overheard the older couples talked after I had left the bill. They heard them say, “Well it was worth a try” and they continued to talk about how it usually works. The sweet couples were trying to scam me!

A nasty man used to come in and flirt with me. He slipped $100 in my pocket once. He creeped me out and I would stay far away from him when he came in to eat. He once stood outside the kitchen to wait for me because I hadn’t come over to see him. He always came in with his wife and kids whom I adored.

One of my regulars was an elderly couple that would only sit in my section. One day, the wife came in and grabbed me, started crying and told me her husband had died. I just held her while she cried.

Drunk guys would grab our butts. The managers would kick them out.

I screwed up a lot, especially in the beginning. I put orders in wrong, forgot stuff and got behind. I eventually became an awesome waitress but it was rough at first. I cried about once a day for the first month or so. I learned to apologize when I screwed up and have carried that lesson with me ever since.

One of my friends dropped an entire tray of food on my table. Another one of my friends spilled a beer on a baby. I got giant blisters on my hand from hot trays and plates. A couple of my friends slipped and fell. It was a hazardous job!

Once, as I was handing out glasses of water to my table, I spilled them all over my customers. I went back to the drink station and poured new glasses of water. As I was walking back to my table I spilled them again. I went back to get more water and as I was pouring it, I spilled it again. My table must have thought I was a moron.

Overall, I learned a ton of valuable lessons in my years as a waitress. It is a job that I will never do again but I do not regret going through it.

**I will start replying to comments in the comment section. I know a lot of people don't come back to read the comments again so I thought I would let you know.

Nanny and Papa

2010-08-01T18:00:00.017-05:00

On July 2, 2009 my Papa passed away. On July 6, 2010 my Nanny left us too. To say I was devastated is an understatement. I didn't just lose my grandparents. I also lost a part of my childhood. There are so many smells and memories associated with their house that I never want to forget. I will always remember playing Nintendo with my Nanny for hours. Every time we visited we would stuff ourselves on those little mini powdered doughnuts. These are the memories I will cling to.

When JJ and I went to their house to stay the night before the funeral, I made sure to take as many pictures as I could. I did not want these memories to fade as they often do. I couldn't stand for those memories to get blurred around the edges so I tried to capture everything I possible could.

Whenever we would pull up to the house, my Nanny and Papa would be waiting on the front porch for us.

We would walk up to the porch and sit and talk for while. There are so many memories of us hanging out on the porch just talking for hours.

If you look out from the front porch you could see the fields surrounding the house. A lot of times, there would be corn in the field right next to the house. You would also see the fake deer on the front lawn. For some reason, these deer absolutely fascinated me when I was a little girl. I always had this urge to hop on them and go for a ride.

Another place we loved to sit was on the back porch swing. I loved having long talks with my Nanny on that swing. Nothing can make you feel as good as the love of a grandparent. Nothing.

Walking through the house, it is pretty clear what time period my Nanny and Papa treasured. Each room is filled to the brim with memories of laughter and togetherness.

The living room

The kitchen holds many, many memories of amazing meals. My Nanny used to make the most incredible spaghetti you had ever tasted. With homemade meatballs and sauce, it was like biting into heaven.

My Papa's favorite room had to have been his TV room. He would sit in his recliner and watch sports for hours. We would all gather in there and play games like Life and a basketball game called Basket.

Throughout the house are decorations and collectibles that for some reason or another, immediately bring me back to my childhood.

My grandfather was a veteran and had a couple of old guns that he was very proud of. One of them was on display in the TV room along with some other collectibles.

One of my Nanny's favorite things to do was paint using paint-by-number kits. She painted some beautiful paintings and even gave me a few of them. When JJ and I were at the house before the funeral I spotted a stack of kits that had not been opened yet. I also noticed there were a few articles of clothing in her laundry basket and I couldn't stop the tears from coming.

I kept picturing her walking through the store buying new kits and thinking about how much she would enjoy painting each one. I thought about her putting her laundry in basket knowing she would get to it later.

She had a difficult last few months. She had a surgery for an aneurysm in April and during the surgery they discovered she had a clot in her lungs. After the surgery she had a lot of trouble recovering. She had to be in the ICU for a long period of time. She was in pain and was scared. I hate knowing how much she struggled those last few months.

I also know how much she missed her husband. My grandparents were always together and living without him was terrible for my Nanny. I know, deep down, that they are now reunited. They are finally back together and they will always be with me. They were not famous or rich. Their stories are not on the news or in the tabloids. But they were amazing people. They were wonderful parents and grandparents. They took care of their friends and always tried to do what was right. And now they are free of pain and tears, together again.

I love and miss you Nanny and Papa!

Want To Pet My Snake?

2010-06-30T08:29:00.002-05:00

My very first “real” job was when I was 15. I had been babysitting for years but I didn’t consider it a real job. I remember complaining to my mom because I just wanted to hurry up and get older so I could get a grown up job. My mom tried telling me to enjoy babysitting because, let’s face it, it’s not a difficult job. I got paid very well to sit in someone’s house for a few hours. Most of the time I would only have an hour or two before I had to put the kids to bed and then I could just watch TV and eat whatever I wanted. Yeah, really tough. That was another one of those instances where I should have listened to my mother.

My first job was in a mall in Illinois and I worked at a reptile zoo. (Yes, there was a reptile zoo in a mall.) I was hired to be a tour guide but I had to go through quite a bit of training before I could give tours alone. I observed other guides giving the tours and tried to memorize all of the information. The store had a few rare, albino reptiles along with a snake that was in the movie Anaconda. There was a giant crocodile, cobras and the “world’s largest snake.” This snake was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records (I think another snake has beat his title since then) and his name was Baby. He was HUGE.

While I learned the necessary skills to be a good tour guide, I also got to hold a 10-foot Albino Burmese Python at the entrance of the store. My duty was to draw people into the store and get them to take a tour. The snake's name was Bananas and I just adored him. I have always loved snakes and I loved holding him. I also had a blast messing with the people strolling through the mall. A lot of people thought I was holding a fake snake so they would innocently wander by and barely glance in my direction. Bananas would move and their reactions were priceless. It was funny to see who got scared and who didn’t. I once saw big, giant man run like a baby while his petite girlfriend came over to pet Bananas.

There was also a Navy base close to the mall so we would have quite a few guys come over at the end of the day. Many of them got very excited to see a girl holding a giant snake. (By the way Britney Spears, I totally beat you on that one.) One occasion that sticks out in my mind was when a group of Navy guys walked by and I said, “Do you guys want to pet the snake?” One of them grinned and said, “Do you want to pet MY snake?” Um, no. Gross. I was 15 and did not think that was funny at all. At 15, I still thought sex or anything relating to sex was totally nasty.
A couple of times I was told to hold a baby crocodile instead of Bananas. I loathed that crocodile. No one ever really taught me how to hold him and I was too young and dumb to open my mouth and ask for help. One of the times I was holding him, a group of loud kids walked by and it frightened the crocodile. He started flailing around and scratched the shit out of my arms. He then crapped all over me. The worst part was my manager wouldn’t let me go home to change so I had to walk around with croc poop on me the rest of my shift. I was never asked to hold the crocodile again.

I finally earned the right to be a tour guide and completely hated it. I loathed talking in front of a group of people every day and it became so boring to say the same things over and over. Plus I was still young and flighty so I quit after about five months to move on to bigger and better things (a hostess. Ha!). I still look back on that first job fondly and love to reminisce about the great times I had with my buddy Bananas.

The Father's Day Post

2010-06-18T20:57:00.004-05:00

Daddy,

How can I begin to explain how much you mean to me? Are there really words to express how thankful I am to have you as my father? When you became a father, you were so young and I'm sure you were terrified. While Mom stayed home and grew into an amazing mother, you went to school all day and worked at night. I have heard stories of you trying to study while I screamed (colic sounds AWESOME). Didn't you miss a final because you slept in as a result of me being a giant ass? (Sorry about that by the way.)

Still, you persevered and graduated. You started working and you started at the bottom. Over the years, you were the perfect example of what hard work can get you in life. I remember you telling me how you should never call in sick to work unless you were really, really sick. You instilled a solid work ethic in me from a very early age.

I selfishly complained every time we moved and I never saw the sacrifice you made. You were also giving up everything to pick up and start over. But you were doing it so that you could provide for your family. You never thought about yourself, you only thought of us.

A year ago you lost your father. At the funeral, I was expecting to see a man in mourning. Yes, I saw some sadness, but I mostly saw something completely different. I saw a man being strong so he could hold his mother up. During a time where most people would be thinking of their own sadness, you were thinking of your mother and your family.

For the past few months, you have been working all day, rushing home to eat, and then going back out to visit your mother in the hospital. You have no free time and you are facing unimaginable stress. Have I heard you complain? Not once. Come to think of it, have I ever heard you complain about anything? No, I haven't.

Thank you for everything you gave up and everything you did for me and the rest of the family. Thank you for the hard work, sacrifice and unconditional love. I hope this helps you see how much you mean to me.

I love you so much, Dad! Happy Father's Day!

images via weheartit

I Can't Think of a Good Title Right Now

2010-06-07T16:24:00.002-05:00

You know those people that say they never watch TV because they just don’t have time? Yeah, that is not me. I love TV. I look forward to settling down after a long day of work, cooking dinner, taking care of the dogs and cleaning to watch a good show and sip some hot tea. Since I seem to be having a huge blogging brain fart and can’t think of anything interesting or remotely witty to write about, I thought I would share some of my favorite TV programs.

The Hills – Yes, I watch The Hills. Shut up. I don’t know why I still watch it but I do. I think most of the time it makes me feel so grateful for my life (not that I’m not grateful every day). When I watch a scene with psycho Spencer, I just have to get up and give JJ a big kiss. Thanks for not being insane, honey.

So You Think You Can Dance – I never really got into American Idol but I adore SYTYCD, which is basically a dancing version of Idol. I danced when I was younger so I love watching talented dancers. This season just started and I can’t wait to see who makes it onto the show!

Psych – Does anyone else watch this show? It is one of the few shows my husband and I can watch together. It is funny and light and a great show to watch on the weekends. I definitely recommend it. Phych's seasons are on a different schedule so a new one should be starting soon!

Glee – Duh. This show rocks. However, to the writers of the show, can you please stop making jokes about conservatives? I don’t mind some shows like Family Guy because they pretty much make fun of everyone. But you have a ton of viewers that are conservative. Why are you making jokes about them? The jokes are not necessary and it’s just not smart on your part to make a large part of your viewers upset. STOP IT.

Say Yes to the Dress – Wedding dresses are awesome. An entire show about wedding dresses with a little drama added in? Yes please!

Law and Order: SVU – Love Stabler. Love Benson. The show totally freaks me out at times but I have never seen an episode that didn’t totally suck me in after about 30 seconds. Even if you aren’t planning on watching the episode, if you watch the first couple of minutes when the crime happens, you are screwed. You will not be able to stop watching.

Baby Story, Bringing Home Baby or any show with baby in the title – Baby Fever. I have it. No more explanation needed. I’m pretty sure these shows are not really helping with the baby fever. Whatever.

Flash Forward – I had to include this one because it rocked my face off. Unfortunately, it has been cancelled (damn you people that only watch reality show trash…oh wait, that’s me). It had a great plot, awesome characters and a ton of suspense and action. My husband and I totally got into this show. We have yet to watch the season (and series) finale but I know it will be amazing. I will definitely miss this show.

Please note that this list is not all inclusive. There may be others, such as Bridezillas, that I am too embarrassed to admit to watching.

Totally 80's

2010-05-17T19:05:00.004-05:00

My friend Christina is getting married on the 29th and I couldn't be happier for her. She is such a positive and sweet person and I really look up to her. Her joy for life is contagious and she is one of those people that you just want to be around all the time.

Anyway, a few weekends ago I went to her bachelorette party. I was really excited not only to hang out with a bunch of cool girls but also because it was an 80's party! I ADORE the 80's. My husband thinks I am completely insane for admiring the decade with crazy hair, tights and leg warmers but I really don't care. Everyone was supposed to bring a gag gift and dress up. It was going to be at another friend's house and it was supposed to be pretty low key. Christina is not the kind of girl that would like to go out to a bar or club for her party. (Secretly, I was grateful for this because neither am I). I immediately started planning my outfit. Did I want to go punk rock? How about Madonna-esque? Hmm, no I decided to go with the Flashdance/workout look.

I dug through my closet and came up with some black cheerleading shorts and a purple sports bra. JJ gave me an old grey sweatshirt that I cut the collar off so that it hung off of one shoulder. I figured I could wing it with my hair and makeup but I still needed something else. What was missing? Of course! Tights and leg warmers. Now, I don't keep these things on hand so I had to order some. Luckily, Target carried bright pink tights and bright purple leg warmers. Bingo! I rush ordered them so I would have them in time for the party.

On the night of the party I showered and did my hair. I tried to get it as poofy as my thin and stringy hair would allow. I decided to put it back in a black headband and wear some big earrings. I moved on to my makeup. I did lots of blush and bright green eyeshadow. Perfect.

I slipped on the tights, shorts, leg warmers, sports bra and sweatshirt and looked in the mirror. I looked AH.MAZ.ING. I couldn't wait to get to the party!

I headed out to Beth's house. I arrived a little early but I figured they might need extra help setting everything up. I rang the bell and Beth opened the door. Ok she wasn't dressed up. Weird. I looked around and there were two other girls putting up decorations. Neither of them was dressed up either. Hmm. Surely they would be changing and the other girls would be dressing up.

While hanging up some streamers I kept glancing out the window waiting for more 80's clad people to show up. One by one people showed up including the bride. Guys, I was the only person dressed up. I am not shitting you. Everyone had excuses as to why they didn't dress up. One girl said she didn't have anything 80's (I lied and told everyone I already had everything laying around. No way in hell was I going to tell everyone that I actually ordered tights and leg warmers). Another said she didn't have time to change. Argh!

About an hour into the party the last guest showed up. The door opened and I heard her say "I thought this was an 80's party!" I breathed a sigh of relief. I wasn't the only one dressed up! She came into the room and I tried to hide the confusion on my face. She was wearing black leggings with a dressy shirt and some flats. She would have fit in to any restaurant or mall and no one would have thought she looked out of place. A couple of times throughout the night she looked over at me and said, "I can't believe no one else dressed up!" It took everything I had to not look at her and say, "Girl please! I am wearing PINK TIGHTS! Why are you complaining?"

The rest of the night was fun but I had a hard time relaxing. On top of the whole being-the-only-moron-in-leg-warmers thing, Beth had a cat and I am severely allergic. I sneezed every few minutes and I am sure my eyes were bloodshot (but I bet that looked great with the green eyeshadow!). I left a little early and headed home.

So, without further ado, I present to you all...Becca's Totally 80's Outfit!! (I love Lexy's face in the first picture. It's like she knows what is about to go down.) Please ignore the messy house in the background. It's all JJ's fault.

For My Mother on Mother's Day

2010-05-08T18:45:00.010-05:00

My mother was only 18 when she became pregnant with me. It was 1984 and she was a senior in high school. She had met my father at Kroger which is where they both worked. My dad worked in produce and my mother worked the checkout lane and they met due to a customer complaining about rotten potatoes.

I can't imagine the fear and uncertainty my mother faced when she discovered she was pregnant. Her parents were very strict Catholics so breaking the news to them was, I'm sure, absolutely terrifying. JJ and I are just now discussing the possiblity of becoming parents sometime soon and I still get scared. I cannot imagine how me, as an 18 year old child could have handled it.

My mother did not believe in abortion and she knew she was going to have me. She is one of the reasons I am pro-life. My mother taught me at an early age that life begins at conception and every child deserves a chance at life. This is one of the many, many strong values my mother instilled in me at an early age.

My mother had a difficult pregnancy with me. She threw up every day for many, many months. In fact, every morning in homeroom, she had to leave to run to the restroom to throw up. She had many goals she wanted to acheive in her life. She wanted to go to college. She had scholarships that she was pursing. She wanted a career. Someday, she wanted to get married and start a family. But everything changed when she became pregnant with me.

Her and my father decided to get married. They got a tiny apartment and my mother graduated from high school. Once they had me, my mother stayed home to take care of me. My father went to college all day and worked at night. My mom was constantly alone. Can you imagine yourself at 18, staying home all day to take care of a baby when you have no idea what you are doing? She had no help. She was alone. And she was 18. Amazing.

My parents were very poor and had to work really hard for everything they had. They went without so that I could have a chance at a good life. When my mom was only 24, she lost her only sister. The grief she felt must have been overwhelming.

I often watch shows like 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom and I find myself crying through so many of the episodes. I see the struggles these girls go through and how many of them end up losing their relationships with there significant others due to the stress. My mom fought for everything. Against all odds, her and my father have been together for almost 26 years. She fought to be a good mom and wife. She fought to give me everything I could ever need in life. She is the strongest and most intelligent person I have ever known in my life.

People underestimate her all the time. They see a stay at home mom who cleans the house and takes care of the kids. A lot of people don't value stay at home moms anymore. They don't see the strength it takes to sacrifice everything for your family and never complain. They don't see how underappreciated they are. Stay at home moms don't get paid. They don't get raises. They don't get annual performance reviews or recognition. Many times, the children and husband take stay at home moms for granted. I took my mom for granted all the time growing up and sometimes I still do. But more often then not I see the value and strength of my mother. I see a woman who is stronger than I think I could ever be. I see a woman who does not know her own intelligence. I know engineers and scientists that are not as smart as she is. I see body builders and marathon runners that don't have half of her strength. And my mother has no idea.

Mom, you are my best friend and my hero. Without you making the tough decisions, I would not be here today. I would not be strong enough to voice my opinions and to stand up for myself. I would not have my own inner strength. I know it is hard for you to value yourself. I pray that you realize how much you mean to our family.

Some people may groan and feel horror when they hear someone say, "You are just like your mother." I think that is one of the greatest compliments I could get. I only hope that one day I will possess the selflessness, strength, compassion and courage my mother shows every single day.

I love you Mom! Happy Mother's Day!

(Photos via weheartit)

Jealousy

2010-04-22T13:18:00.003-05:00

The other day I found myself browsing around on Facebook and I noticed one of my old friends changed her status to single. As I was thinking about this, I came to a huge realization. I have wasted way too much time being jealous of other women. Here are a few examples.

Example one: aforementioned friend. I worked with this girl when I was a waitress at a crappy restaurant. This girl and I were completely inseparable for a while. Then, she met a guy and fell in love. And she fell FAST. After about a week she was telling me that she was in love! I was so incredibly jealous. All through high school and college I yearned for a boyfriend. I was so tired of being alone and my one good friend starts ditching me for a guy.

Fast forward to now. She got pregnant with this guy that she "loved" and he proposed to her. She said yes and spent over a year engaged but with no wedding date. Now, she is a single mom and is no longer with the guy. She is a waitress and has no college degree.

Example two: a friend from college. This friend wanted to be a model. She went to college but decided instead of using her degree, she would focus on modeling. Then she started seeing a guy that she was really happy with. I was (still) single and lonely. I didn't want to be a model but it would have been nice to be as gorgeous as this girl. She dated the guy for close to 4 years and they recently broke up. She never really got anywhere modeling and now just spends her time partying.

I, on the other hand, am married and extremely happy. The hubby and I are talking about starting a family soon and I am so excited! I am not in any way saying that I am better then these two friends or that they made bad decisions. I am just trying to say that comparing yourself to others is completely pointless and a waste of time. You never know what the future holds and you can never truly know what that person has to deal with in their lives. As of today, I am going to stop comparing my looks, clothes, job, husband, family, etc to other people. I am going to be grateful for what I have in my life and not waste any more energy being jealous.

P.S. On a totally unrelated note, in the middle of writing this post (at work) I heard some children playing in the hallway. I immediately stopped what I was doing to go see them. It is like I am DRAWN to children now. Everywhere I go I see them. I want one!!

Other Than Allergies...Sort Of

2010-04-14T18:14:00.000-05:00

I have been trying desperately to think of something to post besides the obvious bitching about how awful my allergies are right now. (Seriously though, they SUCK. Sore throat, stuffy and runny nose, sneezing, itchy and swollen eyes, and a rash. Yeah, I get a rash during the spring. TMI? Oh well, too bad.) I have had severe allergies since I was 6 months old and I have never met anyone who had them as bad as I do. I feel like such a freak during the spring. Everyone else is all “Oh it is so beautiful out!” and “Look at the blooming trees!” and “Let’s go for a walk!” I on the other hand, am like, “Screw you trees” and “Spring can kiss my ass” and “Don’t talk to me when we are outside because I am holding my breath.”

Anywho, I was trying to think of other interesting things about myself besides the fact that my body thinks that pollen is this horrible virus that MUST BE DESTROYED and I managed to come up with something. The longest I have lived in one place is 5 years. In fact, before college, the longest I was in one town was 3 years or less. I was actually in 3 different second grades due to the fact that we lived in one town for about 3 months and then moved again. My father is not in the military (always the first question I get when I tell someone how many times I have moved) but he did work for a company that moved him a lot. I completely LOATHED moving when I was younger (which I addressed in the previous post) especially when we moved in the middle of the school year. I cannot tell you how many times we moved and on the first day in a new class, the teacher made me stand up and tell the class “something about myself.” Gee, thanks teacher. I already feel like an outcast because I am new and you go and make is so much better by forcing me to stand up and talk in front of everyone.

I started out in Alabama and moved to Georgia when I was 5. My sister was born in Georgia and then we moved to South Carolina. After that we moved to Texas and then to Illinois. I started high school in Illinois and right before my senior year we moved back to Georgia (I wanted to punch my parents for that one. Instead, I stopped talking to them and spent the summer shoving food in my mouth and got nice and chubby for my senior year. My first day of school I wore a jean skirt that I thought looked pretty good. I asked my mom how I looked and she agreed that I looked good. I found out recently that I actually looked like a “stuffed sausage” but my mom was too scared to tell me since I was a giant ass to them that summer. Sweet. I guess I deserved that one.) After I graduated college, I moved back to Alabama to live with my grandparents until I could find a job back in Georgia. Luckily, my grandmother found me a job and I decided to stay in Alabama where I met my wonderful husband!

I do envy JJ sometimes because he has that “little town he grew up in where everyone knows him” and I don’t have anything like that. Looking back though, I am pretty grateful for the moving that we did. I still have friends in Georgia, Texas, and Illinois. I was also forced to be more social than I was comfortable with which has helped me become less introverted. So, Mom and Dad, please forgive me for being a total biatch every time we moved. You guys rock and I love you so much!

Acceptance

2010-04-02T19:09:00.000-05:00

On April 4, 2003, I made a huge decision that would change my life forever. In honor of that decision seven years ago, I thought I would share it with you guys. It’s not something I talk about very often but it’s something that played a huge role in becoming the person I am today.

Growing up, I moved a lot. I was in 3 different second grades. The longest we stayed in one place was about three years. No, my father was not in the military. He did however, have a job that moved him around a lot. I hated the moving. I was really shy and having to leave my friends and start all over felt like torture to me at the time. Looking back, I am ashamed at how horrible I treated my parents during each move. I was so angry with them when they were just doing what they needed to do to best provide for us.

Another reason I hated the moving was because I was teased constantly. I had a really big nose. Really big. I had a large lump on the bridge of my nose. I hated it so much that when I saw a cute guy, I would do everything I could to not turn sideways so that he wouldn’t see how enormous my nose was. When someone was describing me, they said I was “the tall girl with the big nose.” Trust me, I overheard this numerous times. You know the feeling you get when you walk by a group of people and know they were just talking about you? I got that feeling almost every day. My senior year, I had a guy leave me a voicemail on my phone that was about 10 minutes long. The entire message consisted of him calling me awful names and telling me how ugly I was. I hardly even knew the guy. I had done nothing to him.

Shortly after that message I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. Maybe some people would have been strong enough to accept themselves and not let it bother them, but I wasn’t that strong. I decided to get a nose job. During spring break of my senior year, I did it. It was really rough and I was humiliated when I was told I had to wear tape on my nose to school for a couple of weeks, but I did it. I don’t have a tiny button nose. I still have my nose but it is a little improved.

Now, I don’t cry anymore when I look in the mirror. Sure there are things about me I would still change, and I have some off days, but I really do accept myself. I love my body. I love my face. I might have been able to get to this point without the surgery, but who knows? All I know is that I made the right decision for me and I am not ashamed of it.

Happy seven year anniversary, you beautiful nose!

Bored

2010-03-23T14:45:00.003-05:00

My mom came to visit me last week. Well actually, she flew in from Chicago on Wednesday, March 10. I took off Thursday, Friday and Monday to hang out with her. She stayed until Saturday, March 20. I wonder if I will ever get used to living so far from her. Everytime we visit each other, I cry for days after we part ways again. Does anyone else have that problem? I feel like I am still 5 years old when it comes to missing my parents. Please tell me I am normal.

In other news, I hate my job. Like, I really hate it you guys. I love the company I work for, I (usually) like my coworkers, I have a kick ass little office and I get to work with JJ. But my job sucks. I am constantly bored out of my mind and for some reason that is more tiring that being busy. After a day of being bored, I will go home with a headache and will be completely exhausted. On the rare occasion that I am busy, I go home feeling energized and like I actually have value.

I don't want to leave my job because I have great benefits and really don't want to start trying to find something new in this crazy economy. Plus, when JJ and I decide to have kids, I am planning on being a stay at home mom. The last thing I want to do is start over with a new company, only to quit after a year or less because I am staying home with my kids.

So everyday I struggle to find a purpose. I try so hard to find something to do so I am not miserable all day. Some days I can find enough to keep me occupied, but most days I am completely bored. Today is one of those days. Come on 4:30! Hurry up and get here already!

Gooseberried!

2010-03-15T18:51:00.004-05:00

Hey guys! I just wanted to let you all know that I guest blogged for one of my favorite bloggers, Michelle, today! I wrote about an unbelievably offensive article I read in a popular magazine. Check out my post and I definitely recommend checking out the rest of Michelle's blog!

Lexy's Story: Epilogue

2010-03-10T09:41:00.003-06:00

I bet you thought the story was over, huh? NOPE. Haha!

A week or two after we decided to keep Lexy, JJ decided to take her and Piper for a walk. I had to work late that day so he was already on the walk when I pulled into the neighborhood. I saw him walking and I slowed down to say hi. He waved me by and said "Don't stop. Piper will get too excited." You see, Piper is totally my dog. She follows me everywhere and will completely ignore JJ if I am giving her attention. So when he told me to keep going, I did. I pulled into our driveway and started unloading my car.

All of a sudden, I heard JJ yell, "PIPER NO!" and my stomach sank. I looked up to see her bolting toward me. She had gotten herself out of her collar and leash and was running as fast as she could toward me. I saw the headlights and heard the car. It was like everything was in slow motion. I knew. I just knew she was about to get hit.

The sound of the car hitting her was one I will never forget. I screamed. I thought that was it. I just lost my little girl. She just wanted to get to me. But she didn't even slow down. She just kept running toward me. I dropped on the ground petting her to see if she was in any pain. She seemed absolutely fine. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the driver get out and stand there. I didn't even look at him. I just said, "She is ok. It's not your fault." I heard him say something to JJ and then he drove off.

We decided to rush her to the vet so they could examine her. JJ stayed home and I drove to the vet as fast as I could. I was shaking the entire time but I still hadn't cried. I got to the vet (who is awesome and stayed open late to see us) and they took her back and left me in the waiting room. That was when I cried. Everything hit me in that moment and I bawled.

The vet came out and said she was on lucky girl. They saw no injuries at all. They gave me some pain meds because they said she might be sore and to keep an eye on her for the next 24 hours. If she started having trouble breathing, we needed to take her to the emergency vet. I left relieved but still shaken up.

When I got home, I told JJ everything and he was relieved too. He completely blamed himself because Piper got away from him. I told him that was crazy and that it was no one's fault. He then asked me, "Did you see the guy that hit her?" I told him I saw him but I didn't really pay attention to who he was. He told me that the guy that hit her was the jackass that was Lexy's former owner. I could not believe it. Then he asked me if I heard what the guy said to him.

The man had looked at JJ and snottily said, "There are leash laws, you know," then got in his car and left.

Then my head exploded.

Lexy's Story, Part 4

2010-03-05T10:22:00.003-06:00

See Parts 1, Parts 2 and Parts 3 if you haven't already!

On Monday, I anxiously waited for lunch to come. I drove as fast as I could to animal control. When I got there, my grandmother was already waiting on me. I felt some of the anxiety melt away when I saw her car. I knew I was doing the right thing and had my family by my side!

We walked into the office area and once again explained the situation. I told the woman behind the desk (a different one this time, THANK GOD! This one was actually nice.) that I wanted to make sure my information was with the correct dog. They told me I could walk back into the shelter and confirm it was the dog I brought in.

Our animal control had different sections. One of them was the office area where the business was handled. Another was a play room with a door to the yard where people who were adopting could play with potential adoptees. Another area is where the adoptable dogs are kept. They are healthy and happy. The last section is for dogs that are waiting on owners to claim them, are sick or are waiting to be put down.

Ok, guys. I am warning you. Do not, EVER go back into that last section. Just don't do it. I opened the door and started walking through, desperately searching for our little girl. I passed a gorgeous bulldog, some puppies and a dog that broke my heart. He was laying on the cold, concrete floor with more sadness in his eyes than I have ever seen. He looked like he had been beaten really badly. Swollen eyes, bloody face and that sadness. God those eyes killed me. I just had to keep walking. I reached the last cage and there she was! My sweetie was there! I pointed to her and told the woman that was the dog I brought in. She looked at the number on the cage and we walked back to the office area. I couldn't bring myself to look at the other dogs again.

Once we were in the office, she pulled out my file and confirmed they did the have my information attached to the correct dog. They said it was a male which I still didn't believe, but what could I say? Then they told me something I never expected to hear. They said the owner of the dog had signed her over to the shelter. He actually drove to animal control and signed her over to them. What did that mean? That meant I could pick her up that day!!!! I was absolutely thrilled. I called JJ and told him what had happened and he said he agreed I should get her and bring her home until we found someone to adopt her. I was so excited!

I left work a little early and headed to pick her up. She was still covered in poop so the first thing I did was take her to get a bath. She was terrified but I tried talking to her and gave her lots of biscuits. We got home and introduced her to Piper. For the first week or so, Piper was pissed at us. Seriously. She gave us dirty looks and refused to come to us when we called her. I was really upset and told JJ we needed to find her a new home ASAP. However, the longer we kept her, the more we fell in love with her (btw, it was a female. I have no idea why the shelter kept insisting she was a he. We also discovered she was only 8 months old. She was just a puppy and had already been through so much!). Eventually, Piper fell in love with her too. Now, they play all the time and will cry if they are separated. I seriously cannot imagine my life without her. She has such a huge personality and makes me laugh every day. Guys, I really love her.

So, I would now like to introduce our new girl, Lexy.

Lexy's Story: Part 3

2010-02-27T14:51:00.002-06:00

This is part 3 of the Lexy saga. See Part 1 and Part 2 if you haven't yet!

The next morning after finding the owner of the stray dog, we decided to go pick her up from animal control. We needed to stop by her owner's house again to ask him the name of the vet that he used and the dog's name so we could call and get her records. We stopped by the owners house around 10:00 that morning. JJ stayed in the car and I went to the door. I rang the doorbell and could hear the man's son running around upstairs. I waited and waited. I was not about to leave when I knew they were home, so I rang the doorbell again. I waited a couple of minutes and finally someone approached the door. The man whipped open the door and yelled, "WHAT?"

I was a little shocked but I managed to ask him who his vet was. He said he used Dr. Berry. I thanked him and went back to the car. I told JJ the doctor's name and he asked what the dog's name was. CRAP! I had been so taken aback by the man's rude behavior that I had forgotten to ask for the dog's name. I told JJ I would go back and this time he came with me. I rang the doorbell again and braced myself. The man once again whipped open the door and yelled at us. He said it "was not a good morning for this." I could not believe it. All we were trying to do was help him out by taking his dog and finding it a home and he was still being a total ass. JJ spoke with him very calmly which was good because I was shaking I was so furious. The man said that he thought the dog's name was Sally. He thinks? He wasn't sure? Don't most people know their own dog's name?

I stomped back to the car and JJ finished talking to him. He got back in the car and we headed back to animal control. When we got there we headed to the office area and spoke with the only woman working. She was (of course) completely rude to us. We explained what had happened and she told us that the dog would have to stay at animal control for five days or until the current owner signed her to the shelter. I was really upset. Five days would be Thanksgiving Day so she would have to wait until after the holiday weekend. That would mean she would be stuck there for 10 days.

Another thing that bothered me was the woman kept saying that the dog we turned in was a male. I was really confused. I was almost positive the dog had been a female but the lady said that the dog was definitely a male. Also, they had originally told us that the dog did not have a microchip but they said that was a mistake and it did have one. I was confused and upset but there was nothing I could do. I would have to wait.

I called my grandmother who lives about 30 minutes from us. She has rescued many, many dogs in her lifetime. She lives in the country and people will drive out there and dump their dogs. The dogs somehow seem to know that my grandparents are dog people because they always make their way to their house. They have rescued countless dogs and nursed them back to health. They kept some and found homes for the rest. They have a dog that was dumped by a church and they found it when it was close to dying. They saved her and kept her. They found a dog that someone dumped because they wanted more money for BEER. They kept her too and she is a wonderful dog.

My grandmother advised me to go back to the shelter on Monday (it was Saturday at that point) and make sure that they had the right dog. We were both worried that they put my information with the wrong dog due to the confusion of the sex of the dog and the suddenly appearing microchip. I agreed and we made plans to meet there during my lunch break on Monday.

Part 4 coming up soon!

Logos!!!

2010-02-16T09:06:00.004-06:00

I'm interrupting the Lexy series to ask you guys for your opinions again. I hired I Do Originals to come up with a logo for my new wedding planning business. They sent me three logos that I can use. I also can modify them if I wish to do so. I need your help! Is there one you like better? Is there one you absolutely hate? Are there modifications we should make? I know you guys are honest with me and I really value your opinions. Also, since some of you are recently married or engaged, you are my perfect target audience! So here they are!

Lexy's Story: Part 2

2010-02-11T17:41:00.003-06:00

The last we left off, JJ and I were on our way home from animal control and I was torturing myself. Did I just make the right decision?

When we pulled into our neighborhood, there was a house a few down from us that had its lights on. Now, earlier when we had been going door to door no one had answered at that house. We decided to stop by and ask them if they had lost a dog.

We rang the doorbell and waited a few seconds. An overweight man opened the door and he was not wearing a shirt (GROSS!). He didn't look very friendly but I put a smile on my face and asked him if he had a dog that was missing. We told him we found a small, tan dog running around the neighborhood. He answered, "We have a dog but I don't know if he got out. Let me see if he is in our yard." I was confused because the dog we had found was a female. I was also irritated that this family got home and didn't even check on their pets. I know I may be a bit odd but I really look forward to seeing my Piper when I get home. The first thing I do is let her out and play with her. She makes my evening so much better!

So the man opens his back door and whistles. He waits a minute, closes the door and says, "Well he's not out there so maybe it was mine." I told him that the dog we had found was a female and he thought that maybe it wasn't his dog after all. I described the dog again including details about the color of her collar. After we talked for a bit we were pretty sure it was his dog. I told him that we had brought her to animal control and that he could pick her up there.

His answer? Was it "Oh thank you so much! We can't wait to go get her?" Hell no. His reply was, "Well we are just going to leave her there. We have been trying to get rid of her for a while and no one will take her." I was stunned. I stood there for a moment completely speechless. I explained to him that there was a chance that they would put her to sleep. He said, "Oh really? Well she just won't stay in our yard and she tried to bite my son once so we just really don't want her." (Side note: after spending a couple of days with her, there is NO WAY she would try to bite someone unless she was playing or extremely scared. In fact, there were times when she was with me that she was extremely scared and NEVER tried to bite me. He was lying.)

I was beyond furious. What kind of person gets a dog, throws it in the back yard, doesn't check on it when he comes home, and doesn't even know the sex of the dog? I snapped at him and told him that I would take care of her. There was no way I would let her be put to sleep. Thank goodness JJ was there or else I would have taken a swing at the guy and he was way to big for me to attempt that! I stomped out of his house and we went home. I took a shower and cried. I cried for the poor little girl that was stuck in animal control. I cried for the life she must have had. Now, I realize that there are situations that would be much worse. I don't think the man ever hit her. But her collar was too tight and she was very skinny. She was not socialized and was not used to other dogs or people. That, in my opinion, is not how a dog should live. Also, I want to say that I don't have a problem with people who keep dogs outside. There are some dogs that really enjoy that. I prefer for my dogs to be living inside by my side. I think that is best for me and my dogs.

After taking a shower (and crying some more) JJ and I decided we would go back to animal control the next day to see if we could pick her up. I would start calling around to try to find her a home. I figured we would make a few phone calls and this whole thing would be over. I am an idiot...

Lexy's Story: Part 1

2010-02-08T17:46:00.002-06:00

I have been meaning to share this story with you guys for so long! The weekend before Thanksgiving, JJ and I took our dog, Piper, for a walk. It was a chilly evening so we were wrapped up in sweatshirts and coats. We started walking down our street and got about 5 houses away when this little brown dog came running out from the side of a house. She was really excited and wanted to come up to us but was too scared to get really close. I knelt down and talked to her. She built up enough courage to come see me and I checked to see if she had any tags. She had a collar on (that was waaaay too tight) but had no tags. Immediately I was irritated. I cannot stand dog owners who are irresponsible. It is not that difficult to make sure your dog has tags!

Anyway, so we stood there for a while not sure what to do. She was running around like crazy and I was terrified she was going to get hit by a car. JJ and I decided to walk up and down the street and ask some of the neighbors if they knew who she belonged to. Most of them had no idea. One of them said they had seen her running around all day but didn't know who she belonged to. (OK am I the only one who worries about a dog running around? I don't think I could see a little dog running around and just not do anything about it!) We talked to this really sweet, retired couple that lives right by us and they said they had seen her another time too and knew that she lived near by. We kept ringing door bells and no one knew who the owner was! I was so frustrated.

We decided to take her back to our house and put her in the garage. I didn't want to bring her in our house because she was covered in poop (she had apparently found some poop and decided it would be fun to roll in it) and I didn't know if she had anything that Piper could catch and get sick. I didn't want to leave her in the garage though because it was so cold and I didn't want the owners to come home and not know where she was. We decided to call animal control.

JJ called around 6:15 and told them what was going on. They were really rude to JJ and told him that since they were closing at 7:00 they would not come pick her up even though we only lived about 20 minutes from them (REALLY? Isn't that your JOB?). If we wanted to bring her over to them we could do that. We talked about it and kept going back and forth. What should we do??? We decided to go ahead and take her. By this time it was about 6:40 so we had to haul some major butt to get there on time. We arrived at 7:05 and ran up to the door. Locked. We drove to the side and rang a bell. A man answered and JJ explained what had happened. The man refused to take her because they closed at 7:00. (I was about to lose it at that point. Why are some people so against helping someone out? Yes, I understand you don't get paid overtime but does that mean you turn us away when we are just trying to do the right thing?) The man told us that two of the animal control trucks went out to pick up an aggressive dog and should be back any minute. We could wait for them if we wanted to.

So we sat and waited. And waited. And waited. We gave up. Who knew how long they would be? We decided to head home. We got about a mile away from animal control when we passed the animal control trucks. We flipped a u-turn and sped back! We once again explained the situation and these guys were MUCH nicer. They said they would hold on to her for 5 days and if no one claimed her they would either put her up for adoption or put her to sleep. I begged them to please call us (even though I knew I would be calling them every single day) before they did anything! They scanned her for a chip and said she did not have one. Then they took her back.

The entire way home I was second guessing our decision. Did we do the right thing? She seemed so scared! What do we do next?

Little did we know, this story was no where near being over. At the end of the story, we would come to realize how incredibly cruel and horrible some people can be and how our lives would never be the same...

Top Secret

2010-02-01T18:50:00.002-06:00

I don't know if I have mentioned this before but me and my husband work at the same company. I absolutely LOVE this because I get to see and talk to him much more than most working couples get to see their partner, but it is not so much that I get sick of him. I work in HR and he is an engineer that works a couple of floors above me so I don't run into him around the building.

Our company has a instant messenger so we can send each other quick messages if we need something or we can chat if we are both low on work to do. If there are company events, we can go and everyone knows both of us!

We can also car pool most days which I adore. I love riding into work with him listening to the radio and talking. Or driving home for lunch with him while we listen to Rush Limbaugh (whom I love so no negative comments please!). At the end of the day we workout together because our company has a free gym for employees. All in all, it is a wonderful situation.

JJ works on a lot of projects that are "top secret" so he can't share anything about them with me. He has told me how past girlfriends would get upset because they felt he was keeping things from them. I however, think it is so sexy! My husband works on top secret projects! Hell yeah! The only time that it sucks is when he is really excited about some project and he can't tell me about it. I am so proud of my hubby!

Yeah, sorry for this totally mushy and braggy post. :)

Roses and Cooking

2010-01-21T09:06:00.004-06:00

Thank you so much to all the people that helped me out on my last post! Your opinions meant so much to me! I kept going back and forth and was really stressing about it for a while. I finally decided that if I want to have my own business, I have to be able to make a decision and stick to it! So I chose... Rebecca's Roses and Rings! I am working on a website and business cards and am so excited! I will keep you guys updated and let you know when the website is up and running!

Besides working on my new business, things at my full-time job have been really busy. The days are flying by but I am exhausted and finding it hard to do anything besides go home and pass out on the couch.

On the days I can muster enough energy to do something besides be lazy, I have started cooking a little more. I have discovered an awesome new cooking show called 5 Ingredient Fix and I am in love! The host, Claire Robinson is a newlywed living in New York and she is just absolutely adorable. All of her recipes only have 5 ingredients which is so great. She went to culinary school in France so some of her dishes are very different and not that easy, but I am having such a blast! Most of my stuff has turned out pretty good and JJ is loving it.

If you guys are looking for some new and delicious recipes that only have 5 ingredients, check her out! I think her shows are on Saturday mornings. I just set my TiVo up to record it so I don't really pay attention to when it is on. (Is TiVo not the best invention ever?? Even the little TiVo character is adorable!)

P.S. I am not a sponsor of 5 Ingredient Fix or TiVo. I just love them and had to share!!! I hope you are all having a great week!

Announcement!

2010-01-07T18:55:00.002-06:00

I have a somewhat big announcement. No, I am not pregnant. Not yet at least! This is something completely different. It is something I have always wanted to do but have been way to scared. I have a hard time believing in myself, even when other people tell me I would be or am really great at something. But I have finally decided to listen and take a chance.

I am staring my own business. More specifically, I am starting a wedding planning business! Ever since planning my own wedding, I have been in love with everything to do with weddings. I love the flowers, the romance, the colors, the joy, everything! After the wedding, I have felt like something was missing in my life. So I am going to be a wedding planner!

I am going to stay at my current job and try the wedding planning business part time. I have two friends that are engaged and I have offered to help them do whatever they need me to do. Hopefully, they will be happy with me and be my first references!

I need to start a website but first I need to come up with a name for my business. I have a few ideas and need your help! Let me know which one you like the best. Here is what I have come up with so far:

Southern Ceremonies

Southern Charm Ceremonies

Rebecca's Roses and Rings

Hitched without a Hitch

What do you guys think? Do you have a favorite? Is there one I should eliminate? Do you guys have any other ideas for a name that I can use? Help me!

2010 Recap

2010-01-03T16:26:00.002-06:00

I have seen this recap all over the Internet but I originally got it from Alyndabear.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before? Let's see. Of course, I planned an entire wedding by myself, got MARRIED and became a wife! Also, I got a new dog which was not planned and I still haven't told you guys that story. (Bad blogger!)

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't think I really made any resolutions in 2009. I was newly engaged and my focus was on trying to plan the best wedding I could on a limited budget. I have made some new ones for 2010.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? I told you guys the story of my friend, Annie. She just had her baby on December 21 and they are doing great. I haven't been over to visit yet, but I am very happy for her.

4. Did anyone close to you die? This year had a lot of death, unfortunately. The one that affected me the most was losing my grandfather. It was unexpected and it was really hard to see my father and grandmother suffer so much. My sister lost a good friend who was 18. My grandmother lost her best friend to cancer. My boss lost her mother. My friend lost her unborn baby when she was 6 months along. We had to put our family dog to sleep. I lost a coworker who was a really wonderful man. We had two employees that lost infants (I handle life insurance so I have to help all these people file for life insurance). This year has been really difficult but it has made me appreciate life so much more!

5. What countries did you visit? The only place I went to this year was St. Martin. We went there in October for our honeymoon. St. Martin is actually owned by the French and the Dutch.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? Organizational skills! And patience. I need a lot more patience.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? October 10, because that was the day I married my best friend!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Getting married. For a while, I really didn't think I was going to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. I am so lucky to have found JJ.

9. What was your biggest failure? I don't really call it a failure, but I really need to be a better wife. I constantly complain about housework, am really stubborn and moody and tend to start fights for no reason. I am determined to work on myself to become a better wife for JJ (and for myself!).

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? For most of 2009, I struggled with health issues that no one could explain. I had nausea, digestive issues, headaches, migraines, dizziness and severe anxiety. I went to multiple doctors and no one could figure out what was wrong with me. At my worst, I couldn't eat and lost about 15 pounds in about 2 weeks (I am already pretty thin so that was a LOT for me). About 2 or 3 months ago things slowly started to change. Now, I feel like myself again and I am so grateful. I really think that my birth control pill was what made me so sick. I have been off of it for about 5 months now and I feel completely normal again. I finally feel like I have my life back!

11. What was the best thing you bought? Hmm...I guess I would have to say my wedding dress. I felt so beautiful on my wedding day and I know I picked the perfect dress for me. I wish I could wear it every day!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? I would definitely have to give JJ props for putting up with me this year. I had many, many bad days because I was so depressed about being sick all the time. The stress of planning a wedding did not help either. I really don't know how he did it! Also, my parents were wonderful. They were so supportive of my illness and wedding stress. I don't know what I would do without them.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? A couple of people let me down but I have already blogged about all of that.

14. Where did most of your money go? The wedding and honeymoon!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? The wedding of course! Oh, and the honeymoon!

16. What song will always remind you of 2009? I Gotta Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas and Then by Brad Paisley. I Gotta Feeling was our grand entrance song to our wedding and Then was JJ and I's first dance.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
(a) Happier or Sadder? I guess a little sadder. Last year I had just gotten engaged and couldn't wait to start the wedding planning. This year, I am sad the holidays are over and dreading work tomorrow!
(b) Thinner or Fatter? About the same. I don't really fluctuate in weight that much (with the exception of feeling so sick).
(c) Richer or Poorer? Richer.. but only because I have a joint account with JJ now. Marrying and engineer has it's benefits! It also has it's downsides but that is for another post...

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? I wish I’d taken a few more photographs. I really want to learn more about photography and started to do that in 2009 but grew lazy.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Complaining and thinking of the negatives in every situation.

20. How did you spend Christmas in 2009? Spending time with the hubby and grandparents!

21. Did you fall in love in 2009? I have fallen in love with JJ more times than I can count.

22. How many one-night stands? None!

23. What was your favorite TV program? Without a doubt, Glee! I adore that show and am a total Gleek!

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? I don't really hate anyone. I have some people that let me down and really hurt me but I don't hate them.

25. What was the best book you read? Ugh, there were so many great books that I can't really remember specific titles. I love chick lit and spend hours and lots of money at Barnes and Noble!

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? I don't think I really had a musical discovery. In fact, this year I really didn't pay much attention to music at all.

27. What did you want and get? I just wanted to have a beautiful and simple wedding. And that is exactly what I got!

28. What did you want and not get? I really wanted to make more friends and I can't say that I succeeded in that. Hopefully, this year will be more promising in that regard.

29. What was your favorite film of this year? I didn't see that many movies this year, but one that really sticks out is Tombstone. It is a Western and JJ had been begging me to watch it with him. It is his favorite movie and he thought I would like it. I usually don't care for Westerns so I had been putting it off. But Tombstone was AWESOME! Great plot based on true events, HOT cowboys and lot of humor. I definitely recommend it!

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 25 this year (Dec. 28) and had to work since it was a Monday. JJ took me to the Melting Pot yesterday and it was so good!

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Getting to spend more time with my family. Normally, I go home for Christmas but I was not allowed to take off any extra time this year (we are really busy right now) and we figured since we just had the wedding 2 months ago we would stay home. However, I really missed seeing my parent and sister!

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? I discovered my new favorite store, Anthropologie and have become obsessed. I LOVE that store and try to buy as much as I can from there without going broke!

33. What kept you sane? JJ!

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? No one really.

35. What political issue stirred you the most? Considering I am a conservative, pretty much anything Obama has done lately has stirred me up. The most would have to be the whole healthcare fiasco.

36. Who did you miss? My parents and sister. And my grandfather. I will always miss you Papa!

37. Who was the best new person you met? I met a few really great girls on a girl's night out last month. I really hope to get together with them again soon! Also, I have become friends with an amazing blogger, Michelle, who I completely adore and hope to get together with very soon!

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009. That sometimes you need to do something that you don't want to do in order to make someone else happy. Compromise and change can be difficult but necessary.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. Going to the chapel and we're gonna get married. Gee I really love you and we're gonna get married. Going to the chapel of love. (Yeah, I got married in 2009. Did I tell you that? Lol.)

40. What are your resolutions for 2010? I have a ton and will probably post about that soon!

Christmas Plans

2009-12-23T21:25:00.004-06:00

Whew! The last two weeks have been insanely busy! I am so glad that I have a few days off to recover. Our Christmas plans are pretty laid back this year. Usually, we are traveling all over the place but we decided to take it easy this year. Since we got married only about 3 months ago and all of our family was here then, we thought it was ok to stay home. Also, this will be the first year we will actually be together on Christmas! Every other year, we split up to go visit our parents (JJ's family is from Oklahoma and my parents are currently in Chicago). Part of me is really sad that I won't be with my parents on Christmas but another part of me is relieved we don't have to worry about delayed or cancelled flights!

Tomorrow (Christmas Eve) we are going to sleep in (yay!). JJ will probably head to the gym in the morning (which I will not be participating in) and then come back home. I am going to make our big Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve just for the two of us. I am making turkey, sweet potato casserole, green bean casserole and stuffing. I will also make a pumpkin pie for dessert. While we eat, we will watch A Christmas Story. Every year my parents and I would watch that on Christmas Eve so I wanted to carry that tradition on. We will also open all of our presents on Christmas Eve. We will either go to the midnight mass or go to mass on Christmas morning.

On Christmas we are going to spend the day with my grandparents that live about 30 minutes from us. We are going to bring Piper and Lexy with us so with my grandparents 5 dogs and my uncle's 2 dogs, there will be more dogs than people at their house! That works out great though because they live on 12 acres of land and their house is a dog's paradise! My grandmother did not want to worry about cooking for everyone so we are all just bringing some snack foods. It should be pretty fun and laid back. After that we will head back home, have some leftovers (I am sure there will be TONS left!) and relax. Maybe we will watch some more Christmas movies and have some hot chocolate.

That is about all we have planned so I am not sure what we will be doing the rest of that weekend. JJ's mom gave us money to buy some bikes so we might go out and buy some this weekend. I am so grateful for a easy going and relaxing holiday weekend! I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas!

Loooong Vent

2009-12-15T15:18:00.000-06:00

I need to vent. And since this is my blog, I can do that! Sometimes I really struggle with friendships. I tend to expect a lot from friends. I don't want to be the only person making an effort to call or make plans. If something exciting is happening in my life (like my wedding for example) I expect you to at least try to be happy for me. Maybe that isn't expecting a lot, but I seem to have a really hard time finding friends that don't eventually lose interest in me and stop making any effort to be my friend. The most recent example was my friend, Annie. (All names have been changed to protect the individuals.)

Annie is a coworker. She was hired to take my job after I got promoted to another position. We really hit it off right away. We became so close that people started calling us each others names. We would get teased about how we were always together. We shared everything with each other. After being friends for a little while, Annie told me her and her husband were going to start trying to have a baby. I was so excited for her! So she started trying and every month that she found out she was not pregnant was horrible. She would come to work crying and I would try to console her the best I could. I knew I couldn't completely relate because I had never gone through what she was going through, so I went out and bought a really cute book on trying to concieve. It was funny and light-hearted and I really hoped it would cheer her up.

About the same time, we found out another coworker, Leslie, was also trying to get pregnant. Every month I would cross my fingers that one or both of them would get what they wanted so badly. Finally, Leslie became pregnant. Of course, Annie was happy for her but at the same time she was sad that she had not become pregnant as well. I once again tried to console her and reassure her that her baby would come soon. Sure enough about a month later, she became pregnant too. In fact, their due dates were only 4 weeks apart.

Once they were both pregnant I started to feel left out a little. I was working on planning my wedding and wanted people to be excited with. Part of the fun of having something like a wedding coming up is sharing that excitement with friends and family. However, all Leslie and Annie really wanted to talk about was baby stuff. I really tried my best to be happy for them. I worked really hard to maintain my friendship with Annie (I was not as close to Leslie). I asked her to hang out on a couple different occasions but she always had an excuse about why she couldn't hang out (too tired, busy, etc.) so I backed off for a while. I thought maybe she just needed time with her husband and family to celebrate being pregnant.

Originally, I had asked both Leslie and Annie to be bridesmaids in my wedding. When Leslie became pregnant she backed out and I completely understood. She would have been about 8 months pregnant on my wedding day. When Annie became pregnant I told her she was free to back out as well and I would totally understand. She insisted that she wanted to be in it. I gave her 3 or 4 more chances to back out and she refused. So I figured she was excited to be my bridesmaid and let it go.

As the wedding drew closer and I got more excited I did my best to not spend all of my time talking about weddings. I knew that my friends would get tired of hearing about the plans so I barely spoke of it. When I did though, Annie seemed to be so disinterested. I was a little upset that I was spending so much time talking about baby stuff and was so excited for her, but she really didn't seem to be excited about my wedding. But I didn't want to start anything so I just let it go.

When Leslie was about 6 months pregnant the most horrible thing happened. She lost her baby. Annie was really upset for Leslie and was scared for her own baby. I was there for Annie (and Leslie) the whole time. I held Annie while she cried in the bathroom. I went to the baby's funeral with her. Annie told me how scared she was to go to the funeral because she was pregnant herself and felt guilty. She told me to not leave her side and I never did. We became close again. We both tried to be there for Leslie as much as we could. Annie expressed concern over the fact that she was worred that with her being pregnant Leslie would have an even harder time. She was worried that if her baby was healthy, Leslie would be sad for her own lost child. I consoled her and worked hard to make sure that Annie and Leslie remained friends and worked everything out so things would not be hard or awkward.

Things became better and then Annie found out she was having a girl! I was so happy for her! I went out and bought cupcakes for the entire department to celebrate. I went out and found the cutest little pink headbands and bought them for her. I was just so excited!

As my wedding drew closer I felt like anything I asked Annie to do for the wedding was a pain for her. I asked her to make sure she bought her dress before the cut off date. I had to remind her multiple times before she finally did it. She never told me when the dress came in. When I found out that it had come in and she had tried it on, I asked her how it looked and she said, "fine." That was it! The only other thing I asked her to do was pass out bubbles at the reception before JJ and I were to leave, and she said no. She said she didn't want to be obligated to stay until we left. Ok then!

On the day of the wedding, I arrived at the church to get ready. My sister, sister-in-law, cousin and mother all came in to help me get ready. Annie sat in the church alone, waiting for me to be done. My entire wedding day she barely said anything to me. She looked irritated and miserable the whole day. She tried to leave the reception before I even cut my cake (which was about an hour into the reception) but my mom begged her to stay. She didn't get me anything (a card would have been wonderful) for the wedding. My mom and dad even asked me after the wedding whether something was wrong with her. My mom said she talked to her throughout the ceremony to help her out (it was a Catholic ceremony and Anie is not Catholic). She said Annie never answered her or even acknowledged my mom was speaking to her. My dad said he kept trying to joke with her to get her to smile and look happy and she pretty much blew him off.

At that point I got pissed. How dare you treat my parents that way? Yes, I understand she was pregnant. I know she must have been tired. I knew she was uncomfortable about how big she was (because she told me over and over and over that she was going to look so fat). However, is it really that hard to suck it up for ONE DAY? Can you not pretend to be happy for me for one freaking day? Everyone was going out of their way to make her comfortable and tell her how great she looked and she couldn't muster up one ounce of effort for me.

Since the wedding day things have just gotten worse. I showed her my wedding pictures and all she said was how bad SHE looked. I posted them on facebook and she did not comment on any of them. Her and Leslie are now best friends and leave me out all the time. I see them leaving for lunch together all the time and I am never invited. I hear Annie go into Leslie's office and talk about their weekends and laugh and laugh and then goes back to her office without saying anything to me (my office is right next to Leslie's). I asked her before the wedding if everything was ok between us and she said I was being paranoid and that everything was fine. I asked her after the wedding if she felt ok on the wedding day and she said yes and that she had just been a little tired. The weekend I got my wisdom teeth out, she had a baby shower and I had to miss it. The day of the shower (the day after I got my wisdom teeth out) I texted her to tell her to have fun and I wished I could have been there. She never answered me and never even checked to see how my wisdom tooth surgery went.

I truly feel like I have done everything I can to save this friendship. I know that having your first baby changes your entire life. I know that she is excited. But I also feel like she just doesn't think our friendship is worth anything. Did she ever care about me? It doesn't feel like it. Now every day at work I feel left out and lonely. I don't have many other friends so that makes it even worse. I have decided to put myself out there are start making new friends. I can't keep wallowing in what Annie did to me. I can't start resenting her. I have to move past this. I am determined to grow from this and make new friends that truly care for me. And I feel that writing this all out will give me closer and help me move on. So those of you that actually stuck this through and read this entire long, boring post, thank you!

Edit: This was written a few weeks ago and since then I have really started to move on. I talk to Annie every now and then and we are still friends. Not close friends, but friends. She should be having her baby any day now and I hope everything goes well.

Extra Wedding Pictures

2009-12-06T20:30:00.000-06:00

Our photographer took some of the best pictures and made them look vintage. I LOVED this look so I wanted to share some of those with you guys too!

That's about it for the wedding recaps! Thanks to all those that read them all and made such sweet comments! I love you guys!!!

Reception!

2009-11-12T20:03:00.009-06:00

The last post ended with us finishing up the pictures after the ceremony. We stood outside the reception venue and waited as the photographer ran inside to tell the DJ that we were ready to be announced. I was so excited! The ceremony was over and now it was time to party! We heard our names being announced and our entrance song starting (Tonight by the Black Eyed Peas) so we opened the door and walked in!
I wasn't really sure what to do once we walked in. I knew if I tried to dance I would look like an idiot, so instead I went right to my dad and gave him a big hug.

We gave lots more hugs and then started to look around at the venue. My cake looked pretty good even if it wasn't exactly what I had asked for. I had wanted an ivory cake with little bursts of fall arrangements. I had told my florist that and he was supposed to drop off the flowers and then the woman making my cake would put the flowers on the cake. I guess my florist misunderstood what I had wanted because he dropped of roses instead of fall arrangements. I think the florist was also late so the cake lady just left and didn't put any flowers on at all. My mom walked in and saw a plain ivory cake and knew that it was not right so she got the reception venue to try to decorate it. It turned out ok and it tasted great!

Our favors were set up on a table up front and they looked awesome!

On the tables were some fall candles we had bought and our reception venue put them on top of little mirrors. They were surrounded by fall candle holders. I was pretty pleased with how the tables looked. Luckily, JJ had stopped by the reception venue earlier in the day because they had not put our centerpieces out! JJ told them they still needed to do that and they did. Phew! I would have been pretty upset if I had walked in and saw that none of the tables had the centerpieces I had bought!

The photographer was only able to stay for about 30 minutes during the reception (we could only afford to hire the photographer for 4 hours) so we took some fake pictures of us cutting the cake and leaving.

After the photographer left, JJ and I headed straight to the buffet stations. We were determined to eat! The food was pretty good and we got to sit and eat for a few minutes. My father then did his toast and it was beautiful. Our best man and maid of honor were supposed to give toasts but they both chicken out (which my dad made sure to bring up during his toast! Ha!).

Our first dance was to Then by Brad Paisley. JJ cried like 3 times during the song and it was so sweet. We had not taken any dance lessons so I am sure our dance wasn't the most entertaining to watch but I didn't care. We had so much to do since we planned everything on our own that dance lessons just weren't possible. I still thought our first dance was perfect.

Next, my dad and I did the father daughter dance to Hero by Mariah Carey. I spent that whole dance either cracking up (my dad was trying to make me laugh) or crying. My sister and cousin were up on a little balcony above the dance floor. At one point, I looked up at her and mouthed "I love you." She smiled and mouthed it back and it was one of my favorite moments of the evening.

There were not a lot of people that were dancing which was a little disappointing to me. I love to dance and was really hoping that some people would want to dance, but everyone seemed a little shy. I heard that after JJ and I left some people finally started dancing which was good. I just wish I had seen it!

Next up was the cake cutting. I had told JJ about a million times to please not throw cake in my face. So I took a tiny piece of cake and very gently fed it to him. He took a HUGE piece and shoved in into my mouth so I was left with frosting all over my mouth! In return, I threw a bunch of cake in his face. I thought it was hilarious and it looks so funny on the wedding video!

After the cake cutting we did the garter and bouquet tosses. A lot of people were leaving early so we decided to go ahead and leave because we didn't want to be the last people left at our own reception! When we got outside my car was covered with writing and balloons. We climbed in and headed off! I have seen tons of movies where the bride opens the window, hangs out and waves so I just had to do that! It was such a cool moment! We were married and headed home as husband and wife!

When we got home we immediately changed into comfy clothes and finished packing for the honeymoon. We asked our parents and siblings to come over our house after the reception was over and I am so glad we did that. We all hung out watching football and eating leftovers. It was so nice to just relax with family after such a busy day. Around 10:00, JJ's brother drove us to the airport. It was much harder to say goodbye to everyone than I had thought it would be! Overall, it really was the best day of my life!

The Ceremony

2009-11-12T19:54:00.011-06:00

When the wedding coordinator told us it was time to go we listened and headed out! The coordinator worked with the church and she scared me a little. She was really strict and direct and there was no way I was going to get on her bad side! Unfortunately, in all the excitement of heading to the church, I didn't realize my mom wasn't completely ready, so we left without her. Luckily, where we were getting ready was right next to the actual church so my mom managed to make it over to the church before the ceremony started. My mom is a little upset that she wasn't in any of the pictures that were taken on our walk into the church, but that's ok.

Here is a picture of me and my dad walking in. He held on to me the whole way into the church!

Once we got into the church, all the girls lined up and I hid in the confessional (little room off to the side of the church).

I was sitting in the confessional alone for a little bit and then the photographer came in to take some pictures of me in the stairway leading up to the balcony.

After that, I sat alone for a little longer and the moment really started to sink in. I was about to get married! It still seemed so surreal! I remember worrying about whether I would get nervous before I walked in but I wasn't. I was completely at peace, even when I was just sitting alone and waiting. My dad came in to sit with me and we really didn't talk much. It was such a huge moment!

Then it was time! I grabbed my dad's arm and we started to walk down the aisle. I looked around and was so excited to see so many people that were there for us. I am so lucky to have so many people that love me! Everyone was smiling and I was so happy. Before the ceremony, my mom told me to just look at her if I got nervous but I never saw her. That was probably a good thing because my mom said she was bawling like a baby the whole time I walked down the aisle! I got to JJ and he smiled and took my hand. The ceremony started!

I was so happy and peaceful throughout the ceremony. My grandfather and JJ's aunt did the readings and they did a great job. I could tell my grandpa was a little nervous. At one point, when he was reading the names of the people that had died in our family, he choked up a little. His daughter (my aunt) was on that list. She died when she was only 22. I almost lost it when I saw him holding back the tears. I managed to hold it together. In fact, the only time I cried (just a little!) was when we were doing the vows. You could hear my voice shaking a little and I was really trying to not cry! Before I knew it we were kissing and we were husband and wife!

I had been a little worried that the ceremony would seem long because Catholics are known for long, boring weddings. However, our priest was amazing. He told a couple of jokes and made everyone very comfortable. Even the people that were not Catholic said they enjoyed the ceremony and it didn't seem long.

The next thing I knew, we were being announced! My cousin was the one that got to announce us (I think the priest wanted to make him feel special) and he did such a great job! He tried to make his voice as low and powerful as he could and announced us. Everyone cracked up. Then we walked back down the aisle as husband and wife! I couldn't stop smiling!

After we walked out, we went back into the room I waited in before the ceremony to wait until everyone had left. Once they did, we went back into the church for some more pictures. We also took some outside as we were walking to the reception venue (it was about a block from the church). I will post some of those pictures later.

Next post will be the reception!

Wedding Day!

2009-11-07T20:40:00.008-06:00

On the wedding day, I woke up around 5:30. I didn't have to be up until 7 so I tried going back to sleep. After a few minutes I realized I was completely kidding myself. I was pretty nervous so I decided to get up and go for a run. I felt a TON better after the run. I got back home and took a shower and made sure everything was packed and ready to go. My mom, sister and cousin arrived at my house around 8:30 and we headed off to your hair and makeup appointments.

I got started with my hair first. I am not sure if it was because I was just sitting and let my mind wander but I started to get sick again. I got my hair washed and blow dried and my stylist started pinning it up. As she was doing that, she was talking to me and everyone was helping me get my mind off of the wedding and relax. I started to feel much better. After that, I wasn't nervous or sick the rest of the day and I was so greatful for that! Me and my mom had our hair done and then everyone got their makeup done. We were running a little behind so we headed straight to the church. We were supposed to start the pictures at noon and we arrived around 12:05 and still had to get ready.

The girls helped me get my shoes, garter, jewelry and dress on. Unfortunately, because we were late, we didn't get any pictures of us getting ready. As soon as we were ready, we headed into the church to start our pictures. JJ and I decided to see each other before the ceremony and I am really glad we did. We were both so much more relaxed and had so much fun!

We spent about an hour and a half getting most of the pictures done. Our photographer was so amazing and he made the entire process a blast! After we finished the pictures, we had about 20 minutes to head back to the dressing rooms while all the guests arrived. I managed to have a little snack and sit down for a few minutes. Then the wedding coordinator came in and said, "Last call for the bathroom!" My sister helped me go to the bathroom and it was a pretty funny experience. The lace from my dress kept getting stuck on the beading on her dress. We kept cracking up and it was such a fun sister bonding moment. Who would have thought we would have a bonding moment in a bathroom stall?

After we were all fixed up and ready again, it was time to head into the church for the ceremony. I will save the ceremony for the next post.

Here are some of my favorite pictures from before the ceremony (click to enlarge). I am not including any pictures of anyone besides me and JJ. I am sure some people wouldn't care but I don't feel right about it.

Flower's girl's basket

Me and my dad walking into the church

LOVE this picture!

So handsome!

Still Waiting...

2009-11-03T08:22:00.003-06:00

Sorry for the delay in wedding posts! I am still waiting on my pictures and I want to include them. I should be hearing from the photographer soon!

I am lazy and don't feel like actually writing out a real post so I will just give a bulleted list of recent events.

Yesterday, I went to the post office and social security office. Surprisingly, the post office took way longer than the social security office. I have finally, officially changed my last name.
This weekend I am getting my wisdom teeth out. I am terrified.
Even though I am terrified to get my wisdom teeth out, I am really looking forward to having JJ take care of me all weekend.
Last night, I made Chicken Parmigiana and it was awesome. It took about an hour and a half to cook but it turned out great and JJ loved it. I am not that great at cooking so I was really proud of myself!
Our Halloween was pretty low key. We saw Paranormal Activity (great movie, very scary!) and went out for lunch. At night, we hung out and watched tv while passing out candy. We gave out our leftover candy from our favors and almost got rid of all of it!
I am still sad the wedding is over.
I can't wait to start scrapbooking all of our pictures!
I am really looking forward to the holidays. I can't believe Thanksgiving is right around the corner!
Work is boring. I have asked for more work to do numerous times but I never seem to have enough work! My days draaaag by so slowly and it sucks. I spend most of my day reading the million blogs I am following.
JJ and I have been discussing when we should start a family (ahhh!). We had initially wanted to start pretty soon after the wedding but we have changed our minds. We are going to wait a while for a few reasons. One is we want to have our freedom for a little longer. We love our lazy weekends and I am not ready to give that up. The second reason is we want to have our finances in order. I want to stay home for a while so we have to make sure we are ok to live off of one income. The last reason is I want to get my migraines under control. I have about 10-12 migraines a month and my migraine medicine cannot be taken if I am pregnant.

Well I guess that's it for now. Sorry for the lazy post. Wedding posts will be coming very soon.

Rehearsal and Rehearsal Dinner

2009-10-20T10:53:00.004-05:00

I want to tell you guys all the details of the wedding and honeymoon. I want to share them all because everything was so amazing and special. I also thought it would be nice to look back at these entries when the details become fuzzy. I will break everything up so that (hopefully) you guys won't get too bored. I will also put up some pictures which will be the first ones of myself that I have ever posted! JJ also gave me permission to show pictures with him in them too.

The days leading up to the rehearsal were a little hectic. JJ's brother flew in on Wednesday so he could help us out. He was actually a huge help and I am so fretful for that. I only worked half a day Wednesday and spent the rest of that day running wedding errands. There were a ton of little things to do!

On Thursday, the rest of our families arrived. I had a spray tan appointment that went really well. Once our families arrived, they came over and our parents met for the first time. I was really excited for everyone to meet and overall, it was pretty great! JJ's family is a little more reserved which I knew my mom would have a hard time getting used to since she is the complete opposite of reserved. After everyone met we went out to dinner and had a blast!

On Friday (rehearsal day) the girls went to the Westin Spa to get our nails done. My mom, sister, sister-in-law and mother-in-law all went and got manicures and pedicures. It was so nice to spend time relaxing and visiting with family. Since both JJ and my parents live really far away, I really treasured every moment I spent with them. After we got our nails done we had to get ready for the rehearsal. Here is the dress I wore:

I wore it with black tights, black boots and really cute long necklace.
I was almost late making it to the church! The rehearsal went really well and we were done after about an hour. Since we were having a full Catholic mass I was really impressed with how fast the rehearsal went. At one point, the tornado sirens went off and our wedding planner (that we hired through the church) was literally RUNNING down the aisle. She was a little over dramatic. The planner was pretty strict and my dad and cousin kept laughing and making faces at me when she was basically lecturing everyone about what to do (and not do) the following day. I tried to stay really serious and focused but it was near impossible!

The place we were having our rehearsal dinner was about 2 minutes away so it was really convenient. Especially since it was storming pretty badly. Ok guys, the rehearsal dinner was absolutely magical. I'm not exaggerating. I am still hearing from my family how wonderful that dinner was. The venue was perfect for us. It was small and intimate and the decorations were gorgeous! (I think JJ's mom took some pictures so I will try to get them from her so I can post them.) The tables were covered with gold tablecloths and there were burgundy napkins. There were little candles all over the tables and the rest of the room. I never told the caterer how to decorate and she completely nailed it. It was perfect. Now on to the food. OMG the food!!! We had salad to start. The main course was chicken picatta on top of linguine that was mixed with spinach. I cannot even begin to describe how amazing it was. For dessert we had chocolate bread pudding. The service was great. Everyone was laughing and having a blast. While we ate, JJ's sister showed the slideshow she created for us with a ton of pictures from our childhood. I didn't want the night to end!

After the rehearsal dinner, my mom came over to help me pack for the wedding day. I was really nervous so I appreciated her help. Once I was packed, I went to bed so I could be extra rested for the next day!

Up next, the wedding day...

Best Day Ever

2009-10-10T18:55:00.001-05:00

I am MARRIED!!!!! Today went amazing and I am the happiest woman in the world! I can't wait to tell you all the details. Now we are off to the beach! See you guys in a week!

Tomorrow!

2009-10-09T21:11:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow I am getting married. I cannot believe it. We had the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner tonight and it just felt so surreal. All these people are here for us!

The rehearsal dinner was amazing. It was better than anything I could have imagined. The people that catered it made it so special and I am so appreciative.

Well, I am off to go pack my bag for tomorrow. I will go through all the details after we get back from St. Martin. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!!!

Almost There!

2009-10-02T15:40:00.002-05:00

Next week at this time I will be getting ready for the rehearsal. Is that not crazy!!??

We are almost done with all the last minute planning. I still need to finish the favors (I only have about 30 more to do), print the programs, book our nail appointment the day before the wedding, find some earrings to wear, find a necklace to wear with my rehearsal outfit and buy the candles for the centerpieces. That's it! After this weekend I will pretty much be done and I can just enjoy visiting with family.

It is amazing how many emotions are running through me. One minute I am tearful because I am so happy, the next minute I am stressed about little details, the next I am incredibly nervous and then the next I am overwhelmed with excitement. It still feels so surreal. I have had 9 months to plan for this and it always felt so far away. I had started to think it would never get here and now it is right around the corner.

The weather today is absolutely gorgeous and I hope it will be this nice for the wedding. The leaves are just barely changing and I'm really hoping there will be even more colors in a week. I can't wait to show you guys our pictures!

Airbrush Tan

2009-09-26T20:16:00.004-05:00

I am so glad that I made it through this week! I had something to do (meetings with vendors, dry runs, etc) every day after work, I worked overtime and felt like crap Thursday and Friday. But I made it through! I met with the florist and that went really well. They are so well organized and they make it so easy. I also got a airbrush tan at the Westin Spa and I LOVE it. I really didn't want to tan in a tanning booth because I just can't get over the idea that I could get cancer. And laying outside isn't much healthier. So the airbrush tanning was definitely something I wanted to try.

I got there for my appointment at 7:00 (ok well it was actually 7:10). The Westin Spa is in this new outdoor shopping mall with some pretty upscale shops. I don't know what I was thinking (maybe I was just exhausted from a busy week) but I just threw on some cheerleading shorts and a t-shirt and headed to my appointment. It wasn't until I pulled up to the mall and saw how there was absolutely no parking that I realized my mistake. What the heck was I thinking? I went to a really upscale shopping mall on a Friday night in cheerleading shorts?? Yeah, I had a few people staring at me. Of course, there were about a million high schoolers all dressed up that shot me some dirtly looks. I just started cracking up. Which only made more people stare.

I got there and changed into this amazingly soft robe. I chatted with one of the ladies that worked there. She had just gotten engaged and wanted to know all the details about my wedding. She was so excited and it was so adorable. Another lady came and brought me into a little room and asked me if I wanted a disposable bikini. I said sure. I looked absolutely ridiculous in this little tiny paper bikini. So I stood there almost completely naked so this woman could start spraying me with the tanning spray. It took about 20 minutes or so and it wasn't bad at all. I put my robe back on and headed into the locker room. I just sat and had some cucumber water (which I HIGHLY recommend) and watched HGTV. I was so relaxed.

I love the tan guys! It looks so incredibly natural and I am always so much more confident when I have a nice tan. Tanning tends to hide the cellulite a little. :)

Anyway, I have exactly two weeks left until the wedding! I have two more meetings next week and then we have to finish the favors and programs and that's about it! I am almost there. Whooo hooooo!

Wedding Stuff

2009-09-22T20:03:00.005-05:00

I am right in the middle of meeting with all my wedding vendors to make sure all the details are finalized. Last week I met with our reception vendor and had my makeup trial run. Yesterday I met with our photographer (LOVE him) and today we met with the people catering our rehearsal. I am really excited about the rehearsal dinner. We found this amazing venue that is a little coffee shop with couches and a fireplace. They even have board games! The people the own the coffee shop are catering it. We are having chicken picatta with linguine, a salad and for dessert we are having chocolate bread pudding. Yum!

Tomorrow I meet with the musicians for the ceremony and Thursday I meet with the florist. I am also having an airbrush tanning trial run of at the Weston Spa. Saturday I have my hair dry run. Next week I will only have to meet with the DJ on Monday and pick up my dress on Tuesday.

Other than finishing the favors and printing the programs we will pretty much be done! I can't wait for all the rushing around to be done and I can just look forward to the wedding (and the honeymoon of course!)

Here is a picture of our favor boxes.

They are filled with carmel hershey kisses and the leaf tag says "Joshua and Rebecca 10/10/2009." I have 20 that are completely done so that leaves me with about 80 more to do. We are estimating about 70 people coming to the wedding but we need to make extras just in case. I can't believe things are actually getting done and everything is coming together. In only 18 days I will be someone's wife. So weird.

Makeup and Contests

2009-09-19T17:09:00.002-05:00

Three weeks from today I will be married. It still doesn't seem real! I had my makeup consultation today and that was a blast. The lady that is doing my makeup is so cool! She did airbrush makeup and my skin looks amazing. JJ loves it too. I was worried that he wouldn't like it but all night long he keeps looking at me and telling me how great I look. Awww!

Speaking of upcoming weddings, I have a couple of blog friends that recently got engaged. One of those awesome ladies is Lacey. You guys need to head over to her blog right NOW because she is having an pretty amazing giveaway. You also need to read about how her fiance proposed to her. It is the sweetest story ever!

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

Favors

2009-09-17T20:38:00.002-05:00

I have been working on our favors for a few weeks now. We bought little boxes in orange, brown and gold. Unfortunately, they didn't come assembled so I have had to fold 150 boxes and 150 lids. Then, I had to fill them with candy. The last step I still had to do is put a ribbon around each box. I had measured how much ribbon I needed for each box and used that ribbon to measure all the rest so they were all the same length.

Last night, JJ decided he wanted to help. He volunteered to cut the rest of the ribbon. I was like "Great!" I can always use some help! I explained to him that all he has to do is use the ribbon I had already measured to cut all the rest of the pieces. He got started.

About 20 minutes later I hear "Uh oh." He was finished cutting all 100 yards of ribbon and realized that somehow he had started cutting them way to short. How is it that an engineer cannot cut ribbon so that they are all similar lengths?

He felt so horrible and I thought it was hilarious. He was so sweet to help so of course, I could never be upset with him.

Let's just hope the replacement ribbon I ordered gets here soon!

Lucky

2009-09-13T13:28:00.003-05:00

I am lounging on the couch right now while JJ is watching football. I LOVE days like this. Lazy Sundays with crock pot chili cooking and football on tv. It is so comforting. I really need a comforting day today.

There is something really bothering me. Have you guys read about the Yale student that disappeared? She was only 24 and was supposed to be getting married today. There is video of her walking into a Yale lab and she just never came out. Her wallet, keys and personal items were found in her office so police did not think she ran away. Which means someone hurt her. I am not sure why this story is affecting me so much. The news is always filled with horrible stories and unfortunately, I am somewhat desensitized. However, this poor girl is really getting to me. I can't get it out of my head. Maybe it is because she was the same age as me and was just about to be married. I just can't imagine what her family and fiance are going through right now.

It has really put things into perspective for me. I have been so stressed about all the little wedding details. Why? Why am I wasting time and energy on something so small and insignificant? I should be counting my blessings all day, every day. I am getting married. I am ALIVE and healthy. I have an amazing family. Nothing else should matter. I don't care if the wedding details aren't exactly what I had in mind. I don't care that I still have a lot of work to do. I am so lucky to be marrying the most amazing man I have ever met. I am so so lucky.

Fall is Coming!

2009-09-01T18:38:00.002-05:00

Guys. Today is September 1st. When the heck did that happen??? How is it that fall is already around the corner? I can already smell that fall smell in the air. I LOVE autumn. I love the little nip in the air. I love the smell of burning leaves. I love the gorgeous brown, red and orange leaves. And...

I'm getting married in FOUR and a half WEEKS. Holy crap! I have so much left to do. Some days I am really stressed and some days I am ok. I am, of course, so excited!!! I can't believe I will be a wife in a little over a month. I will have a husband! Ahhhhh!

Other than the wedding, the other thing we are really excited about is football starting. I never in a million years thought I would get excited over football season, but JJ has changed me. When we started dating, I hated football. However, I started watching games with JJ and actually learned about the game. I spent so many games asking JJ many, many questions. JJ actually loves it when I ask questions because he gets to teach me new things. I think it makes him feel manly. Anyway, JJ is thrilled that football starts this weekend because he actually has a new big screen plasma tv with HD. It is so adorable to see him get so excited. He doesn't show emotions that often so it is out of the ordinary and so cute.

We made our traditional fall meal yesterday. Turkey chili! We have the most amazing crock pot recipe and the smell makes me even more excited about fall and football. I cannot believe how fast this year is passing by! Soon it will be the holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years! And this holiday season will be my first as a wife. With a husband. And a different last name. WOW.

Oh and sorry for the lack of posts and comments lately. Wedding planning has now taken over my life. :)

Skunked

2009-07-21T10:04:00.003-05:00

Last night, I was in such a great mood. JJ's family had a great time this weekend (and so did I) and I was looking forward to an evening with just the two of us. JJ had stayed home all day to clean up the house and go grocery shopping. The house looked great and there was no work left for me to do! We had dinner on the porch because his parents bought us this cute table to put outside. It was a gorgeous evening and we had sat outside eating and sipping some wine. We were having such a great time. We came inside and were just hanging out.

Around 8:30 Little P (her real name is Piper. I am tired of using a fake name) started asking to go outside. I opened the door to let her go out. Piper bolted out the door and I yelled for her. She has been chasing frogs around our yard lately and if she catches one, it will pee in her mouth and she will throw up. So I was yelling at her to stop. I flipped on the light and I saw it. I saw the black body with the white stripe. I saw the tail lift up and spray Piper right in the face. I smelled the HORRIBLE stench. I slammed the door shut and started freaking out. JJ came downstairs and let Piper inside. She was foaming at the mouth and started rolling on the ground to try to get the smell off of her. I was screaming and still freaking out (I do really well in stressful situations). JJ grabbed her and put her in the bathtub while I called the emergency vet. They said that skunk spray is harmless (except if it gets in her eyes which I don't think it did since they aren't red or runny) and to mix 1 quart of peroxide, 1 cup of baking soda and 2 tablespoons of Dawn dishwashing soap together and bathe her. We did that and she actually smells a lot better. By that point it was about 10:00 and I was exhausted. I am usually in bed by 10 because I have to wake up at 5:30 in the morning.

The bathroom was a disaster. There was hair everywhere and baking soda was all over the place. Also, the ENTIRE house smelled so BAD. We cleaned up the bathroom, opened all the windows and sprayed Febreeze everywhere we could. I went to bed around 11:30 but JJ was up much later vacuuming and cleaning. This morning our downstairs smells much better but the rooms upstairs still stink.

We had noticed that something had been digging in our mulch but we never thought it was a skunk! We have a 6-foot privacy fence so it must be digging a hole and going underneath our fence to get in at night. What do we do? How do we get rid of it? I guess we can call someone to come trap it but I am afraid it is going to cost us a fortune.

This is actually the second time Piper has been sprayed by a skunk in the past year or so. When I lived with my grandparents she was sprayed in the face too. However, my grandparents live in the middle of the country, not in a neighborhood like me! Agh! I HATE SKUNKS!

At work today, I have had two coworkers tell me that I, along with my office, smell like a skunk. AWESOME. Maybe someday I will look back and laugh at this. Right now though, I am hoping no one comes into my office the rest of the day.

Grateful

2009-07-17T15:53:00.004-05:00

Things over the past few weeks have definitely been rough. In addition to the last two posts, my laptop crashed, my dog got sick and I got food poisoning. However, I made it through all the crap and am trying to think positively! I decided to list these positive things so when I get down I can just read the list and instantly be in a better mood.

1. JJ is wonderful. He has been so supportive!
2. I am marrying my wonderful JJ in 2 and 1/2 months. Ahhh!!!
3. My family is doing very well. Everyone is healthy.
4. My mom and sister are coming to visit in a few weeks. I am so excited!
5. I love my wonderful dog, Little P. Seriously, she brightens my day whenever I see her wagging tail and adoring eyes.
6. I have a decent job and work with a few really close friends. In today's economy just being employed is something to be very grateful for.
7. I have some really supportive friends that have been there for me during the hard times.
8. I am financially stable. I'm definitely not rich, but I don't struggle like I did through college.

Yay, I feel better already. Plus it's Friday and I only have 30 more minutes of work left! JJ is already home because his entire family arrived today. Including JJ and I, there will be SEVEN people staying in our little house this weekend. It should be interesting. Tomorrow we are going to the Unclaimed Baggage Center and I am really excited. When the airline gets baggage that is not claimed, they sell everything to this store and you can buy stuff for really cheap. I've wanted to go for so long so I'm really excited about finally seeing it. Other than that we are probably just going to hang out, go out to eat, maybe see a movie, get the guys measured for their tuxes and have his sister try on her bridesmaid dress. We have spent the past week cleaning and getting ready for them to come so I am looking forward to a laid-back weekend!

Too Much Sadness

2009-07-10T08:02:00.003-05:00

Another loved one has passed away. My mom had to put our family dog to sleep yesterday. She was 16 years old. She has been in our family since I was 8 years old. Sorry for all the depressing posts. In my dad's words, "I just don't know how much more sadness I can take."

I'll Miss You Papa

2009-07-07T21:43:00.002-05:00

My grandfather (my father's dad) passed away on Thursday. He was 73. He and my grandmother would have been married for 54 years this December. I am completely devastated. I wish there was something I could do for my father or grandmother to help ease the pain.

He had an aneurysm burst about 2 weeks ago. He was on a gambling boat and he felt something weird in his stomach. He told my grandmother that they needed to go home. He drove an hour back to their house and went to lie down. A short while later he called for my grandmother and when she came into his room he passed out. He had been bleeding into his stomach that whole time and he also had a heart attack. My grandmother called 911 and he was rushed to the hospital (that was about 30 minutes away). He spent two weeks in the ICU and he was making progress. The doctors decided to take him off the ventilator and he seemed to be doing really well. He was awake and even spoke a few words. Then all of a sudden his heart rate went crazy and they said they needed to put him back on the ventilator. When they put him under anesthesia his heart stopped. They were never able to wake him up again. My mom called me Thursday night to tell me and I was completely in shock. The last news I had gotten from my dad was that he was off the ventilator and it was a huge step. It never crossed my mind that he wouldn't make it through this.

JJ has been so supportive and I don't know how I would have made it through the funeral without him. I don't even think everything has hit me yet. Little things remind me of him and make me cry. Sometimes I start panicking because I remember that I will never be able to talk to him again. It hurts so badly.

I miss you so much Papa.

"Careful Where You Are Grabbing, Sweetie!"

2009-06-29T09:33:00.006-05:00

I went white water rafting on Saturday. I am not a big fan of water sports because I have never been that great of a swimmer so I was pretty nervous to go on this trip. I am involved in the intern program at my company so I was the one chosen to lead the white water rafting trip. I thought it would be a good opportunity to face my fear. I was so terrified I would fall in the rapids but everyone assured me that very few people ever fall out unless they want to.

We met at work at 7:00am. Let me tell you how excited I was to be at work at 7:00am on a Saturday. I was not. at all. happy. We took a charter bus that was pretty nice. There were about 15 of us on the bus so it wasn't crowded at all. It was a 3 hour drive before we got to the rafting place. We arrived around 11:15 (we changed time zones) and had an hour until we had to meet our guide. We all had lunch and talked. Our interns are pretty cool and lunch was enjoyable. I was still really nervous so that means I was sick to my stomach (of course!) so I had to force myself to eat.

At 12:15 we met the rest of the group going with us and listened to the whole safety spiel. They told us that if we fell in the water to remember "nose and toes." Basically, you were supposed to keep your feet out of the water so that you couldn't get stuck in any of the rocks on the bottom. They also told us if we got stuck in the hydraulics to ball up until we were flung out. After the safety talks I was even more scared but it was too late to back out.

We all packed into a school bus to head to the river. It was so incredibly crowded that day. Our guide told us there were 500 people that were rafting the river on that one day. When we got to the river we picked our rafts and learned how to paddle and all the commands our guide would be giving us. JJ and I sat in the front (which was stupid) and practiced paddling. Then we got in the water.

The first rapid was called "the grumpies" because if you fell out it would suck and you would be grumpy. After going over the first rapid I started to relax. I was having a blast! We were all cheering and laughing. It was such a rush and all my fear had left me. After going over a few more rapids I looked up and realized our raft was heading toward another raft. I didn't even realize how hard we were going to hit them and once I did it was too late. We slammed into the raft and I toppled over the side into the freezing cold water. The water was moving a lot faster than it looked and I started to get swept away. A guy in another boat reached his paddle out to me and I managed to grab onto it. A guide jumped in the water and grabbed me. He told me it was ok and to put my feet down. I was trying so hard to gain my footing but I kept slipping because the water was going so fast. I grabbed onto him to try to pull myself up and I completely grabbed his balls. I mean, I just gripped down right on his berries. He yelled, "Careful where you are grabbing, sweetie! That will cost you extra!" Everyone around us (there were about 8 other rafts sitting there at the time) started laughing. I was humiliated. He told me to start walked to my raft and I was really struggling. A few of the interns were yelling at me to turn around so they could take pictures of me in the water. I was not amused. I finally made it to the raft and JJ pulled me back into the boat. I was shaking and completely embarrassed.

We continued on and I was still not that scared. I figured the only reason I fell out was because we hit that other boat and it wouldn't happen again. I relaxed and was really starting to enjoy myself again. A few minutes later as we were going over some rapids I fell out AGAIN. I don't even really remember what happened. One second I was in the boat and the next I was in the water. I somehow managed to grab onto the raft before I was swept away. The water was going so fast and I was so scared. JJ managed to grab me again and pull me back in. It was at that point that I stopped enjoying myself. I was banged up and my ankle was swollen because I had hit some rocks when I was in the water. I spent the rest of the trip tense and terrified to fall in again. No one else fell into the water and I did TWICE. It makes for a great story now because everyone finds it hilarious (and I do too now that it's all over) so that is pretty cool. I am really proud of myself for facing my fears but I have to say that white water rafting is not really my cup of tea.

Bike Riding Potty Mouth

2009-06-19T09:53:00.003-05:00

Yesterday JJ and I went for a walk. It was a pretty nice evening even though it was pretty warm. It has been in the upper 90's the past couple of weeks. I don't mind it because I really love summer. Anyway, I wasn't feeling that great so I wasn't in the best of moods. I had been sick to my stomach all week and was really getting tired of it. I am still struggling with my health issues but things have gotten a lot better.

So we were walking around this cul-de-sac and we heard this kid screaming something. I didn't really pay attention since there are constantly kids running around and playing in our neighborhood. Around the same time this family was getting out of their van. The mother asked us if we knew the kid on the bike. We were both confused and said, "What kid?" The woman said that some kid on a bike had just ridden by and yelled some inappropriate things. She said that the boy yelled, "Hey you with the dog! You're and effing beach!" Except he didn't say "effing" and he didn't say "beach." I think you get what I mean. We were walking with Piper so he had to be referring to us. I couldn't believe it!

I'm not sure why but I just burst into tears. I don't know if it was because I was just called a b*$ch by someone I didn't know, because I didn't feel good all day, or because I felt embarrassed to be called a b*$ch in front of a family but I just started crying. JJ didn't understand why I was crying and tried to cheer me up by telling me that the kid didn't even know me so I shouldn't be upset. But I just was. When I was younger I couldn't imagine doing that to someone. Neither could JJ. I just wonder what kind of parents that kid had and what kind of person he will grow up to be.

Work and Wedding Stuff

2009-06-04T10:31:00.002-05:00

I can't believe how long I have gone without posting! I am so ashamed of myself! Things have gotten really crazy lately. At work we are going through open enrollment. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's when everyone in the company can change, cancel or enroll in any of the benefit options. I administer benefits so this is my busiest time. We have open enrollment meetings where my boss speaks about all the changes we are going through and I have to be at every meeting. There was a day last week that I was at work from 6:45 to 5:00 with no breaks. I had SIX meetings that day. In between meetings I have tons of people calling and email me with benefit questions or questions on how to fill out the change forms. We are also changing dental and life insurance vendors so that takes a ton of work on my part too. In addition to benefit stuff I am training to interview. I am also in the intern program committee and the intern season has just kicked off. There are about 20 other things that I am doing in addition to all that. I am so worn out! Open enrollment is over in about a month so I just have to get through the next few weeks!

On the wedding front, my dress came in! I am going to go try it on this weekend so they can start on the alterations. We also meet with the lady doing our cake and picked out the tuxes. The bridesmaids dresses will be finalized this afternoon and we are meeting with the manager of the restaurant we are having our reception at next week. JJ has picked out the hotels our guests can stay at and our passports arrived! All in all, things are moving along really well!

JJ's Back!

2009-05-18T12:25:00.002-05:00

JJ is back! Yay!

I had a pretty good weekend overall. I rented three movies that were pretty much centered around weddings. I figure I will only be engaged one time in my life so I am living and breathing wedding stuff right now. I rented It Had to Be You (the remake, Hollywood Video didn't have the original. It was pretty good), Muriel's Wedding (different but very good) and Bride Wars (it was pretty cute). I also watched a bunch of Bridezillas. That show cracks me up. I know a lot of those women are acting for the show but I'm sure some of them are really that horrible. I am so glad I am not like that.

I cleaned the entire house so that it would be nice for JJ when he got back and he thanked me a bunch of times. It was fun having some time alone but at night I would get so scared. I was fine during the day but when it was time to go to bed, I HATED sleeping alone. The first night Little P woke me up because she was howling. She hardly ever barks and has never howled. It scared me to death. Then when I tried to go back to sleep, I had like 4 nightmares in a row. I am so glad I have a big, strong man by my side tonight!

Chick Flicks and No JJ

2009-05-14T07:49:00.002-05:00

JJ is going out of town today. He will be coming back on Monday. I will be driving home around lunch time to take him to the airport before I come back to work. I will definitely miss him, especially tonight and tomorrow. I really hate sleeping alone!

I'm actually excited about having the weekend to myself though. I am planning on renting lots of chick flicks and stopping by Barnes and Noble to buy a giant, girlie book. JJ is horrible at making little comments anytime I am watching something resembling a chick flick. He says they are very predictable. He will be like, "Oh! Let me guess! They are going to fall in love at the end of the movie!" And of course he is always right and it makes me want to throw something at him. So now that he won't be there to treat me with his witty comments, I want to spend the weekend on the couch watching movies, reading and eating all the stuff that we normally don't eat.

Don't get me wrong. I love our lifestyle and diet. We eat very healthy and workout together. Dinners are usually something like grilled Tilapia and fresh veggies. I love being with someone that shares my goals of being healthy. However, sometimes I want to splurge on pizza and Chick-fil-a. And that's what I am going to do! Whoo hoo!

Rainy Day and Updates

2009-05-06T07:58:00.002-05:00

Today is going to be another rainy, yucky day! Every time I wake up on a weekday and it's raining I have to seriously fight the urge to call in sick and stay in bed. Today, JJ did just that. I was up a lot last night because we were having some really loud storms. Little P gets so scared and I feel so horrible for her. She pants and shakes and looks so sad. It totally breaks my heart. This morning JJ got in the shower and about halfway through declared that he was going to stay home today. He has been totally swamped at work lately and he really needs a mental health day. I just wish I was able to stay home with him!

Just to get you guys caught up on stuff that has been going on lately, two of my four bridesmaids are now pregnant. They are 4 weeks apart which means one will be 8 months pregnant on my wedding day and the other will be 7 months. The one that is a little further along decided to not be in the wedding anymore and I totally understand. My other bridesmaid said she still wanted to be in it. That surprised me so much! I wonder if she will change her mind once she starts showing and having morning sickness! I am so happy for both of them but it is a little weird for me. They are my two closest friends and I feel like the odd one out. They are always talking about babies and pregnancy and I don't have anything to say! They are getting so much closer and I feel like I am losing them a little. I'm not really sure what to do.

JJ and I went to a pre-marital seminar at a Catholic church near us this past Saturday. It was a long day (8-5) but we both got a lot out of it! We learned so much and all the topics related to our relationship. We listened to some lectures and then we filled out some worksheets and talked about them together. At the end we wrote each other a love letter and I take JJ's letter with me everywhere I go. It is so incredibly sweet! Anytime I need a little cheering up I pull out that letter and read it.

I have also started my photography class and I LOVE it. It is really challenging but I am learning so much. As soon as I take some pictures that I am happy with I will share them. Right now though, it is blatantly obvious that I am a beginner!

This Morning

2009-04-21T09:24:00.002-05:00

I started the day off a little weird today and I thought I would share. So I woke up at 5:30 which is the normal time I wake up (yeah it sucks). The moment I opened my eyes I felt the pain. I had a migraine. I get them all the time and waking up with one is not uncommon but this one was already full-blown. Usually when I wake up with one, it is still forming and I can take my medicine and get rid of it pretty quickly. But since it was already a full-blown migraine I wasn't so lucky today. I took the medicine and tried to relax and eat breakfast. Of course, I was really sick to my stomach so food was not appealing, but I ate anyway. I kept waiting and waiting for my medicine to kick in but it was taking a really long time. I called my boss and told her I would be a little late.

I sat in bed for a while hoping the medicine would kick in. I remembered that I could take a second pill if the migraine was not gone within 2 hours. It was about 20 minutes shy of 2 hours so I decided to go grab a pill and find some water so I could take it right at 2 hours. I looked everywhere and couldn't find my medicine. I had just gotten a refill two days earlier and I was so confused. I started thinking back to what I did with the bag from the pharmacy and realized I never took the medicine out before I threw the bag away. So at 7:00 in the morning I was digging through our trash can in the garage pulling nasty and unrecognizable things out. I finally found the medicine and washed my hands for about 10 minutes.

I got dressed and decided I didn't need to take the second pill because I was starting to feel better. I put on my new pair of pants and couldn't decide whether they were long enough for the heels I wanted to wear with them. I debated with myself for about 10 more minutes while JJ made noises and danced in the mirror in front of me. He said he was just trying to make me laugh. It worked.

I finally headed to work only about 45 minutes late. While drinking my coffee in the car I spilled it on my new shirt. I seriously almost turned the car around to go home and crawl back into bed. But I didn't. Even after all that and the fact that my migraine meds have made me feel really weird, I make it to work! Looking back on my morning, it actually seems pretty funny now. But I am glad it is over.

Tax Day Tea Parties

2009-04-15T08:04:00.002-05:00

So today is the big day! It's Tax Day and I will be downtown today from 12-1 with a giant sign and t-shirt protesting the fact that I do not agree with our current government. All my friends are going and we are all very excited. I just want to say a couple of things:

1. I am not racist. I am so tired of hearing this. Just because I do not agree with Obama that does not make me a racist. This argument is getting old guys. Come up with something new.

2. I am not protesting because I am a sore loser. I was unhappy with Bush's spending and I am unhappy with Obama spending billions more.

3.I am not protesting the fact that there is a Democrat in office. If a Republican were doing the same things Obama is doing, I would be protesting today as well.

I am protesting the fact that Obama just passed a stimulus plan and budget that will put our country in even more debt. I am protesting because I don't want my tax dollars going to someone who is not paying their mortgage when we were responsible when we bought our house and make our payments on time. I am protesting the fact that we are now bailing out businesses instead of letting the free market work like it has worked for us all this time (yes, I know Bush did this too and I was pissed when he did it too).

And to add fuel to my fire, according to Homeland Security, since I favor state or local government over federal (which is in the CONSTITUTION) and I oppose abortion, I am a "right-wing extremist." So those of us opposing Obama are now being labeled as extremists and law enforcement is being warned about us. Open your eyes to what is happening people. We have the RIGHT to have opposite opinions and we should be allowed to express them.

Ok that is all I have to say about that. I don't want to turn this blog into a political blog but I am seriously tired of being labeled as so many negative things just because I have an opposing view from someone else.

Shopping with Mom

2009-04-08T13:49:00.007-05:00

I had so much fun with my mom. We went shopping and I bought 3 amazing shirts at Anthropologie and a sweater that was on sale at J.Crew. I absolutely LOVE Anthropologie. The first time I walked through I thought "this store is so not my style" but I was completely wrong. I usually have to try on quite a few shirts before I can find one that I like but once I do, I completely fall in love. They have really high quality clothes. Yes, they can be pretty expensive but I don't shop there for all my clothes. I try to find a few nice pieces each year and then build on to that with some lower cost clothes. Anyway I bought this shirt and so did my mom. It has the prettiest hand sewn flowers and fits so amazing! I also bought this one and it's really cute too. My favorite shirt however was this one in blue. It is really expensive but it was so worth it. It looks so pretty! It will be great for work but it would also look really but with a pair of skinny jeans and high heels.

I bought some shoes from DSW but I am going to return them. I kept second guessing the purchase and I realized that if I really liked the shoes I wouldn't be second guessing myself. I want to find a nice pair of heels that I can wear to work or with a pair of jeans. I want them to be a little different. You know, maybe snake print or some crazy colors. I think I have an image in my mind of what I want and I just can't seem to find them.

We also went to this store called Brighton. I had never been in there and my mom and I completely fell in love! My mom bought this purse:

Isn't it adorable? She kept worrying whether or not it was going to match her outfits and we kept telling her to not worry about it! No purse can match EVERY outfit so if she liked it, buy it! So she finally bought it and relaxed enough to be happy with the purchase. My mom bought me this necklace too:It's a little snail on a leaf. It's so cute! My mom bought my sister one that was similar except it was a ladybug on a leaf. My convinced her dad to buy her a really cute purse. If you guys have never been into a Brighton store, you should totally check it out. But you have to go into an actual store. Some department stores carry their bags but they just aren't as good as the actual Brighton store.

So it was a wonderful 5 days of shopping and eating out. My mom loved my dress! She took a picture with her cell phone because we forgot the camera. Other than seeing the dress, we really didn't do much wedding stuff. I have gotten so much done that there really wasn't much for her to do! I was so sad to see my mom go back to Chicago. I miss her so much!

Personality Tests

2009-03-27T07:59:00.003-05:00

Have any of you guys ever taken a personality test? I don't mean the ones you can take online but a real one? I did last week. I have been in therapy for about a month now and I am really enjoying it. Some sessions are hard but I always leave feeling empowered and very hopeful. My therapist asked me to take a personality test and I was really excited to see the results. It took me about 45 minutes to complete it and then I got the results on Tuesday. Ok totally not what I was expecting! It was so hard to hear all the traits that I have that need improving. The test told me I am moody and can go from really happy one second to upset the next. I am also angry and resentful toward the people I am closest to. I am compulsive, borderline anxious and borderline depressed. Umm, great.

JJ and I also took a compatibility test with our church a couple of months ago. We got the results of that on Wednesday. Overall, everything looked really good. We were in high agreeance on financial aspects, religion ideals, extended family issues and future plans. We were a little low on problem solving and communication which wasn't a huge surprise for me. JJ and I went through the whole test and discussed our answers and I ended up crying. There were questions like "my partner is moody" and of course JJ said yes and I said no. There was also a question that said "my partner is unhappy very often" and JJ said yes and I said no. JJ also said yes to a question that said "some of my future spouse's behaviors frighten me" and that really upset me. He said it wasn't like he was afraid that I would hurt him or anything but he sometimes worry that we aren't compatible because I am so stressed and moody and he is so laid back and happy all the time. Awesome.

So I had a rough couple of days. It is really hard to hear things like that about yourself and not take it very personally. I knew I had things to work on but I have never felt so bad about who I am as a person. I hate that I hurt others around me with my moodiness and unhappiness. I hate that I am resentful and angry. I don't show it at work or around friends but I do show it to my mother and JJ. I am determined to work on these things but I think it will be hard. How do you change so much of who you are? JJ keeps telling me it will be easy but I have to disagree. I really think I can do it but it is going to take a lot of work and time.

On the brighter side my mom is coming to visit next week! I am so excited! I am going to take off early on Wednesday and then I will be off Thursday, Friday and Monday. Yay! We are planning on shopping and eating out. I also want to show her my dress. The one I ordered won't be in until May but I can still show her the sample they have in the store. I bet she will cry which of course will make me cry! It will be so nice to have a few days to relax and hang out with my mom.

Blonde Hair and Basketball

2009-03-16T10:18:00.003-05:00

I'm blonde today. Well sort of. When I went to visit my parents over Christmas break I decided to get highlights. I thought I would rather go lighter than darker (my hair is naturally dark brown) just for the change. I have never been afraid to change my hair. I love growing it out and then getting it cut much shorter just for the drastic change. The lady that highlighted my hair added LOTS of highlights so it almost looked like I just lightened my hair a shade or two. It was pretty but I wanted highlights not all-over color.

On Saturday I went to get my "highlights" touched up and I mentioned to the lady that I hadn't expected it to have so many highlights the last time I got it done. She said that she could break it up and add some brown highlights back in and brighten up the blonde ones. Ok, so now my hair has some brown highlights and some REALLY REALLY blonde ones too. Everyone has told me they like it but I just didn't want my hair to be more blonde. Hopefully, the highlights will fade a little since I only got it done two days ago. I went to the bathroom a minute ago and the lights in there made my hair look like it was glowing. I was actually a little startled when I looked in the mirror. Ha!

Other than that not much is going on. Therapy is going great and JJ and I are doing really great! JJ decided that I should participate in the March Madness thing this year. I don't know anything about it (which is obvious since I just called it the March Madness "thing") because I don't follow basketball at all. JJ says that I will probably do really well because I don't know anything. Hmmm. So I just went through and randomly picked all the winners. I have no idea what I just picked but I really don't care. I think I said Duke will win. Whatever. I am just doing it to make the fiance happy! Sometimes I just have to make some sacrifices. :)

Hobbies

2009-03-06T09:47:00.003-06:00

So I have been in therapy for a couple of weeks (I will save that for another post) and my therapist recommended I start finding hobbies that I love to do. All I do is work and then go home and that can get very old! So I have decided to start learning about photography! I am so excited! JJ and I are looking around at some SLR cameras and I have bought a couple of photography books. There is a LOT to learn and it is a lot more technical than I thought. Luckily, my company offers a Intro to Digital Photography course and I am definitely going to take that.

Also, my mom called me yesterday and told me she found an old high school friend on facebook that lives near me (I can't even explain how weird it is that my mom is on facebook). This friend of hers has 4 horses and has invited me to come hang out with her and her horses. Now this may not seem like a big deal to you but I am totally thrilled! I love horses. I love riding them. I love brushing them. I love just looking at them. I am so unbelievably psyched! Maybe I can get really awesome at photography and I will start posting some pictures on here! Maybe I can take some pictures of the horses too! Oh and today is Friday! Yay! Lots of good things happening!

Dreaming Away

2009-02-24T15:26:00.004-06:00

I have been having the most bizarre dreams ever lately. I mean they are CRAZY. I had one where I was trying to date a coworker. We went to lunch and I kept trying to hold his hand. Gross.

Then I had one where I had an affair with JJ's boss. WTF?? Things have been so amazing with JJ. The wedding plans are coming along great and we have been having so much fun together. Why am I dreaming about other men???

I had one where JJ and I had to take cover in a ditch because there were like 20 tornados coming after us. We almost got sucked up but made it through. I held on to this root in the ground and JJ held on to my legs. This huge tornado when right over us and JJ was almost sucked up. After it passed we climbed out of the ditch and all of a sudden all the tornados disappeared and it was sunny.

Last night I had a dream that I was going shopping with my dad because he wanted to buy me a table for a wedding gift (a table? huh?). I had to go to the bathroom and when I walked in, it was a square room with toilets but no walls! There were no stalls at all! You just had to use the bathroom right in front of everyone. I had a second dream last night that it was the morning of my wedding and JJ kept talking on the phone to one of his coworkers about his homework (he's getting his masters degree). I got mad because he wouldn't get off the phone and it was our wedding day. I was also really nervous in the dream. I had butterflies since I was getting married that day. I actually woke up this morning nervous!

Another one I had was really long (or at least it seemed really long) and was so real! It was the day of my wedding (I obviously have weddings on my mind!) and I was invited to this ring party. At this party you could try on any wedding ring you wanted and if you liked it better than the ring you had, you could trade. I just went for fun because I ADORE my engagement ring and would never trade it. While I was there I set my ring down on a table and starting trying on other rings. When I went to put my ring back on, someone had stolen it!!! I started crying and totally freaking out. I kept saying "he's not going to marry me now!" and everyone was trying to reassure me. After freaking out for a while, I called JJ to tell him to meet me somewhere so we could talk. When I told him about the ring he got so mad and starting yelling at me for all these weird things. He said, "I can't believe you lost your ring! AND you didn't shut the door when I told you to." I don't know where the shutting the door thing came from but he was pissed. He then told me he was calling off the wedding. The rest of the dream was basically me pacing around crying my eyes out. I woke up in the middle of the night, covered in sweat, shaking and crying. It felt so incredibly real. It was awful.

I don't know why I am dreaming so much. Most of the time I just find them funny but sometimes they are awful. For some reason I pretty much always remember my dreams and get to share them the next day. I think JJ is starting to think I'm a little insane. Maybe I am. :)

Women suck

2009-02-18T14:29:00.003-06:00

Women can be so petty! This is what happened. My department at work is made up of me, 7 other women and 1 guy. We all get along pretty well and go out to lunch as a department at least once a month. However, like any group, there are some of us that are closer than others. I wouldn't say we have "cliques" but we definately have some people that hang out with each other outside of work and others that they don't. That is totally normal right? You can't be best friends with your entire department.

Ok, the guy that works in my department (lets call him New Dad) is expecting a baby. His wife is due at the end of the month. His friend threw him a baby shower and New Dad invited me and two other women in our department. He did this for many reasons. 1) He knows us the best. 2) it was a couples shower and a couple of people working here do not have a significant other. 3) There was alcohol there and some people we work with do not drink and do not like to be around drinking. 4) He was also not comfortable with the fact that if he invited everyone, everyone would feel inclined to get him a gift. No big deal, right? Wrong.

One of the women (I'm calling her Big B) not invited found out and was really mad. She even said that if she had been invited she would not have gone, but she still was mad that she wasn't invited. She then said that she was going to talk to our boss about it. WHAT??? Who goes to their boss to "tattle" that they weren't invited to a party? We also decided it would be nice to throw New Dad a baby shower at work so the company could be involved as well. We all pitched in to help buy gifts, food, decorations, etc. The only thing Big B did was buy a card and a bow for the present and that was because she was going to be at the store anyway.

We had the baby shower for New Dad today and Big B claimed she was sick so she sat in her office and never came to the party. She couldn't even stop by. The entire department was there and she just sat in her office. What a baby!!! I know that she was not doing that because she didn't feel good. No, she was just pitching a fit about not being invited to his other baby shower. Then after all that, she demands that we all pay her back for the $6 she spent on the card and bow. I am so ready to go home today.

Prozac and Wedding Dresses

2009-02-10T09:21:00.004-06:00

I give up. I seriously cannot take this medication anymore. I have never experienced taking a drug that made me this incredibly sick. I called my doctor yesterday and told him that after a week I am still sick everyday and he told me to stop taking it. Thank God! I can handle my usual day to day sickness better than I can handle this stupid medication (I'm sure Prozac is great for some people so no offense). So I did not take the pill this morning. I am really hoping I will start feeling better by tomorrow. I'm completely exhausted from feeling so bad.

In other news, I found a dress on Saturday! I had just started looking and wasn't planning on actually buying a dress yet. I went to this little store about 30 minutes from my house and the first dress I put on was the one. I just knew it. My grandma was there with me and I could tell by her face that she loved it too. I tried on about 10 more dresses just in case and then put the first one back on. It is absolutely perfect. It was WAAAAY over my budget but I just didn't care. I absolutely had to have it. Here is the only picture I could find:

I was not allowed to take a picture in the store so I had to find one online. The one I bought is actually ivory and I think it is much prettier than the white. It from the Pronovias line and it is called Delfin. I just cannot express how beautiful it is. When I put it on and walked to the front of the store to stand on the platform, everyone was watching me. I announced that it was the one and everyone cheered! Someone said, "It looks very vintage" and that is a perfect way to describe it. I wish my mom could have been there to share that moment with me but it just wasn't possible. She is living in Chicago and won't be able to fly down here until April. By that point, it would be cutting it really close to the wedding. The dress takes an average of 5 months to be made and shipped! So I really wanted to go ahead and buy it. I am so excited that I have a dress! I'm completely broke now, but it's totally worth it!!!!

Belated Updates

2009-02-05T11:18:00.003-06:00

Last weekend was (mostly) pretty fun. We went to the baby shower on Saturday and it was definately not what I was expecting. Most baby showers that I have been to were mostly women and we just sat around talking about babies and presents and playing games. This one was totally different. It was in a HUGE house that was decorated so beautifully. There is no way I will ever have a house that looks like that. When we walked in my coworker took his present and opened it. Then JJ and I just stood there feeling totally out of place. Everyone else knew each other and everyone was dressed up. I was in jeans and a black sweater. JJ was in jeans and a long sleeve, green, button up shirt. While we were standing there he leaned over and said, "I wish I had at least tucked in my shirt," which made me laugh. There were no games or anything. We ate and just stood around talking. JJ and I don't really drink so that was another thing that seperated us from everyone else. Everyone was really nice but it just was NOT our crowd.

On Sunday we took that test for the pre-marital prep stuff for the church and that was pretty cool. It inspired some conversation on the way home. It will be interesting to see the results. We then headed to the Super Bowl party and we had a blast! It was a great game and we played bingo. I actually won once! There were two boards; a commercial one and a game one. The game one had spaces like "Pitt Rushing TD" or "3rd Down Conversion." The commercial one had stuff like "Cell Phone Commercial" or "Big Boobs." None of the women knew the football terms so the guys had to help us out a little. I totally pigged out on chili and cookies. Overall, it was a pretty good weekend!

On the medical front, I have now started taking Prozac. It is making me really sick too. I can't sleep but then I am so tired all day long. I get really, really sick to my stomach in the morning and can barely get ready for work. I start shaking too. Then all day at work I am quesy and get headaches. I can't concentrate on anything and I am even feeling more depressed. Everyone thinks I should just give it some more time to let my body adjust to the new medication. I might be able to do this for a couple more days and then I just won't be able to take it anymore. It's so frustrating! I have started looking for a therapist as well. Hopefully getting started with therapy will help too.

Weekend!

2009-01-30T08:31:00.003-06:00

Happy Friday everyone! What is everyone doing this weekend?

My weekend should be pretty jammed! Tomorrow we seriously need to do some house cleaning. Since I had a pretty crappy cold last weekend, I was so lazy and did NOTHING. I need to make up for that this weekend. Then tomorrow night we are going to a coworker's baby shower. It's actually a couples baby shower which should be interesting. I am going out after work tonight to buy the present. I looked at their registry earlier today and it really makes me excited to start having kids!!! I can't wait to buy all the cute little shoes!

On Sunday, we are meeting with a woman at our church to take this test. JJ and I are Catholic and we have to go through some marriage prep before we can actually get married. Sunday we are taking this 100 question test on our beliefs and attitudes on different things. When we are done, they will give us the results so we can see where we differ. I think it will be pretty cool to see how we answer and what things we are see differently. We have discussed a lot of stuff like finances, children, religion, divorce, etc. but I am curious to see if there are any subjects we forgot to cover. I want to go into our marriage with a realistic view on all the issues we may face. After the test, we are planning on going to church (we have really been slacking on that lately!).

Then on Sunday afternoon we are going to a Super Bowl party. I am not a big football fan but I think it will be fun. It is the first Super Bowl party I have been too and I think it could be interesting. I mean, a Super Bowl party with a bunch of engineers?? It HAS to be interesting!